The Middle Ground and Mommy Guilt

Becoming a parent for me was not just about, well, being a parent, it was about teaching myself a whole new skill set, a whole new approach to life. I have been introduced to a fantastic “natural birth community” here in the East Valley. This is a horse of a different color for me. It is not the type of parents/role models I grew up with or place I ever thought I’d land. I am SO glad that I did though. It has changed how I look at my entire life.


Let me first say, this disclaimer, this NOT a knock on my mother, my father or any person in my family or ANY of my friends in any way. At all. Period. These are merely facts that led me down the path that I am currently on. No hurt feelings intended.

When I started looking into the natural community I certainly was no activist, I knew nothing and in fact considered nothing in regards to birth and parenting. I thought like lots of people think. You get pregnant, you see a doctor, you register at Babies ‘R’ Us for a ton of stuff (crap), have the baby and go on home to stumble through raising your child, most the times along the lines of how you were raised yourself. ‘Nuff said, right? Wrong. I pretty much went the opposite way. And sometimes it is harder than I thought.

In the natural community, words like baby wearing, genital integrity, exclusive breast feeding, attachment parenting, cloth diapering, co sleeping and nursing in public are as common. These are concepts I’d never heard of before. They are as common place as cribs, monitors, Pampers, bottles and bouncy seats are in the more “mainstream” baby-having community. In my world, my mother is/was WAY more on the mainstream side in terms of “baby-having”. She had me at 21. There was not a lot of money back in those days. Her and my father struggled in a bad, early 80’s economy in MI, while being newly married and my mother trying to finish college. I did get cloth diapered for a period of time, not for the environments sake, for money’s sake. My mom HATES the idea of breast feeding. Just not for her. She doesn’t want anything on her body like that, it grosses her out. So I got evaporated milk and Karo syrup. (I know it sounds terrible now, but it was common place back then, I guess.) My siblings were formula fed. (and with the exception of ear issues, very healthy) My mom was 2 weeks late with all 3 of us. She had a natural childbirth with me (for lack of better option, not on purpose), and has nothing good to say about it. She was induced, 8 years later with my sister and again with my brother. She was Pitocin and epidurals all the way. We all slept through the night by 6 weeks old, since we got cereal in our bottles. We all had every single recommended vaccination. My brother was circumcised, of course.

I know my natural community friends are banging their heads on something just from reading this. But, I hesitate to say anything too bad about it. My mother made those choices because she thought they were best at the time. She made a lot of them based upon Dr.’s recommendations, how she was brought up, what was popular for the time, (all this was 27, 19, and 17 years ago). So if you are judging, don’t. I don’t believe she ever meant to make careless, reckless choices regarding her children’s health. That much I do know. She has always put that at the fore front, the best she knew how, the best she was shown herself. Most of our friends and family members had babies the exact same way. It was commonplace.

So that is my background, the world I come from, most of which still applies today’s current mainstream baby community. So, imagine my initial shock upon entering a more natural based setting. Now, mind you, I have always been “off the beaten path” a bit myself. A black sheep, so to speak. But, when it comes to having babies, it is easiest to revert back to what you know. Which is what I did…..at first. When I found my natural community, I felt at home and at peace. I “fit in” better than I had in any group in a long time. The priorities in my life were changing and it paralleled and fit perfectly into this awesome group of people I was introduced to. This is how I want to be, I thought to myself after settling into this new "group". I love, love, love the people that I have met. Love them. I seriously know the best group of mommies (and Daddies) ever. They are inspirational for me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the ideas and guidance given to me by those that parent from a different place. It is great to be around people that are so different, yet share a common thread. This place isn’t necessarily better than how I was raised, it just works better for our family. Suits our granola-ish ways in a more fulfilling manner .

But I still struggle. Doing the ever seductive striving for perfection dance, I still wrestle with not being all the way there. (where is there?....you may ask. You know, that all natural, cloth diapering, breast feeding, baby wearing, activist, always kind, involved parent place) I strive to get there. And yes, the better part of me knows that this magical place called “there” may be a mystery place conjured up solely for the purposes of fostering mommy guilt and self doubt. But hey, we all have that little voice I think. Teaching this old dog (meaning me) new tricks, really is hard. It has taken a personality overhaul. One that was necessary, wanted and appreciated, but the inner battle still rages on.

This whole concept of parenting has changed my life really. It is called attachment style parenting, I guess, if I have to group it. (which I hate to do, I see everyone as individuals for the most part)  I wouldn’t say that I am all the way there or into it. I have read plenty of stories about "attachment style" mothers that haven’t left their children to have a date night with their husbands for years or taken an afternoon for themselves. And I get it, that that works for them, and I can totally see why. For me, I need more balance. I like going to happy hour with my husband occasionally, I enjoyed our over night trip to San Diego when he was 4.5 mo old and we left him for one night with my mother in law. I liked it at 9 weeks old, my husband was able to give our son a bottle of expressed breast milk so I could sleep more every once in awhile (I had issues nursing) since I was in my office by 8 AM every morning. At 5 months old, he took to a binky and it has saved us since. I used a guard while nursing and it got me through many a rough night. I couldn’t figure out my Moby wrap and felt like the biggest idiot ever. And the biggest one……. I weaned my son at almost 8 mo and put him on formula. Not because I hated nursing, I miss it a lot, in fact. I hated being tied to a pump. Pumping 3X a day meant less work time and an overall increase in time spent (away from my baby) at the office to make up the work. So, I stopped. And avoided my natural community for a solid month or so out of embarrassment. (which was totally stupid, of all people these mommies would understand) My Facebook page flooded when the Similac recall happened (none of this directed specifically at me at all, just general information when it happened) with article upon article discussing how disgusting, bug infested formula is and how second rate it is  to breast milk.  The perfection seeking mother I am felt like a second rate mom. I don’t want to give my son formula, but nursing became a chore not a joy. Hooking myself up to a machine, stressing about how many ounces I was getting, while dealing with everything else I dealt with this year (see previous post), so I made a choice. It was a hard one. It is hard to make these choices not only as a parent, but a parent in uncharted territory. Most of the above paragraph doesn’t enter in to a truly attachment style parent. Nobody else in my family struggles with such issues and sometimes I am jealous of that. Sometimes succumbing to Johnson & Johnson, Gerber and Huggies is….gulp…. easier. Sigh…..even though I hate the idea of being that mom too.

I have started to read blogs and articles since I have had Porter in an effort to find my way through this foreign concept of parenting.   I love 90% of attachment style parenting. We tend to parent in that in between area. Mostly natural. We don’t vaccinate, we did circumcise. We co-slept for 6 mo (and loved it), now he is in his crib. I make all his food, I love to wear him when he lets me. I am a huge birth advocate and try not to get on my soap box about that. (but I probably do anyways, sorry) I am passionate about midwifery, natural remedies and natural births. I feel proud when I read my natural mommy friends’ Facebook posts taking a stand for reproductive rights, breastfeeding education, healthy living and naturalism. I envy them, though I know I shouldn’t. I envy their knowledge, conviction and tenacity. Man, the middle ground is tough sometimes.

Now in my world, I have, on occasion given Porter Tylenol, let him cry for 5 minutes at night, fed him Gerber brand oatmeal and used the dye free baby Johnson and Johnson’s I got at my baby shower. Herein lies the rub. I feel guilty admitting that much of this is out of convenience. I have worked so hard to break lots of cycles in my short time as a parent, but I am not all the way there. I read a blog post today about checking your anger and realizing that your children will react the way you do in their own situations. This self awareness is not a piece I grew up with. I have written about being the change you want to see. I have written about being more kind. And it is VERY important and I meant every word. I not only have to learn how to be a good parent, I sort of have to learn how to be a better version of myself, the person who was in there all along. You see, this suits me, I just have to trust it, practice it, live it. I have to retrain many of my thoughts and habits. Easier said than done.

I am so grateful that I found this perspective and even more grateful I know a community of people I can dialogue about it with, but there is still a guilt piece there. I don’t want to be judged or looked down on and that fear is paralyzing sometimes. It is hard to even admit it exists. And the worst part is, it is all in my head. I know that the people I have met, my Blogger friends, many members of my family, my husband are all there to encourage me and watch me grow as a mother. I know that. It is my own inner dialogue. A place of doubt you go when you are in unfamiliar surroundings, but thankfully mine get more and more familiar every day.

So I am letting myself off the hook. I am going to just do my best and take what works for us and leave the rest. I am going to put my insecurities to bed (or try to) and know that I am in fact, a good mom, and I am still learning. This is why I started this blog; as a documentation of the growing pains of being a parent. I want Porter to know that I think of him every second of every day. That I never made any choices lightly, that I am human and fallible. That I still have insecurities and flaws and want to be loved in spite of them, the same way I will love my son in spite of his. I am glad that parenthood has given me a giant mirror that reflects back the opportunity to be and create whatever I want for myself and my family. It is freeing and I feel liberated. Long time coming I'd say. I am excited for what the future holds. So thank you to new and old friends, to ever present, supportive family, my caring husband and angelic son. I am not the girl I once was, I am just me now. And that is plenty, I think.