I have thought about writing this post for a few days now. It has taken me that long to simmer and think about what I want to say. I have read several articles and blog posts, and now that I am a parent, it becomes much more relevant, but I thought far enough off in time that I wouldn’t think about it.
Bullying.
Sigh. Big sigh. I didn’t expect the subject matter to get under my skin so much. But it did. For me, bullying was not very much of an issue in my life. I have, however, always had self esteem issues, bullying… not so much. In middle school, there was a scary, super tall girl at least two grades ahead of me that kinda terrorized me, but that didn’t last long. I had to think about it to even remember it. I wasn’t exempt from being embarrassed or picked on, but it all existed within the realm of normal growing pains. Example: I was a 34D by the time I was in 7th grade, while this may seem enviable, I can assure you at 13 yrs old, I was embarrassed and resented my breasts for calling that kind of harassing attention. But again, nothing major. I never really realized till now how fortunate I was in that regard. I wasn’t really bullied, but I was NEVER a bully either. I am sure many people will roll their eyes when they read this part, but I guess I was kind of on the “top” (not that I believe that this is a real place to be mind you) of the social food chain, per se. I was super outgoing and pretty popular, not the most popular, but those people were usually close friends of mine. I was a cheerleader, on homecoming court, student council, a straight A student. I drove a two year old car when I turned 16, I was a debutante, my parents were wealthy and my house had 6 bathrooms in it. Are you puking yet? It’s ok, I probably would too. Trust me, I am not that girl anymore, she has been gone for about 10 years now. Ok….. maybe not gone, but evolved, much more self aware and self made. I was probably snobby, yes, but never a bully. (again another thing that has been somewhat self corrected…. Hopefully :) I guess maybe I didn’t possess the “typical” characteristics of those that are bullied or more that I knew the “right” people. It was never a part of my awareness or social setting. I was lucky. Boy was I lucky.
In my adult life, I am much less bold and more on the outskirts. Life events have turned me into someone MUCH less confident. I struggled (and still do) with finding myself and figuring out what I want out of my life. I am often somewhere in the middle. Currently, that middle place deals with family/kids and is between mainstream and “crunchy.” I am not extreme on either one, probably a little more crunchy. I can appreciate a traditional and more progressive family structure, again I like the middle. Sometimes I wish I was more one way or another, more black and white. I exist in the shades of gray and I am working on appreciating that about myself.
It occurred to me that Neil and I serve our son on mostly basic physical and emotional needs. We comfort him when he is crying, which is usually due to being tired, hungry, wet or in pain (took a tumble, incoming teeth etc.) . We have not yet had to comfort him because someone didn’t want to be his friend or pushed him down. Now, there are few things I know for sure, but I know that Neil and I are good parents…. for now. Our world revolves around our boy. We do everything, would give anything to make sure that he is happy, healthy and safe. That is all we have had to do so far, and so far we have succeeded beyond our expectations. Our reward: a happy, healthy, active, jovial, affectionate ray of sunshine. Blessings abound.
This week, after watching news stories of children killing themselves and reading articles on the subject, I started to wonder….. what if my son is a bully? I don’t think parents of all bullies set out to raise their children to have self hate in their hearts, perhaps those parents hate themselves. I dunno, but I wonder. What if Porter is bullied? How will I create an environment that he knows he can come to Neil and I about anything and that we will always love him? Furthermore, how will I teach him to love himself, stand up for himself and have the courage to defend those weaker? How can I/we teach him to be a good man? Someone sensitive but not a sissy, confident but not arrogant, secure in his beliefs yet open minded. How will I do that? My new favorite blog, Single Dad Laughing ( I HIGHLY recommend this for anyone, top picks, You Just Broke your Kid, Congratulations and Memoirs of a Bullied Kid, read them you won’t regret it) talks about his experiences as a parent and his childhood, which was riddled with pretty severe bullying. Neil and I have discussed these at length and it is becoming more apparent that children become what you do not what you say. Both of us being stubborn hot heads…… have some work to do. Gulp. Yes that’s right, we need to be actual grown ups. Gulp again.
I think the best approach that I can take, as a parent (and wife), is to become a kinder, more self-actualized, forgiving person myself. Forgiving of myself as well as forgiving of others. I need to be more real, my children (God willing) do not need perfection from me, they need guidance. I will fail, inevitably, but it is how I pick back up that is important. Tiny eyes are watching. I never thought about the awesomeness of that particular responsibility. I am (as is Neil) on the permanent watch of the little people we have in our house. We will teach them, not just with our words, but more so in our actions. I feel it is my duty to the world to do everything in my power to make sure I turn out good hearted, contributing children.
I thought for days about how I can do this, what parent books I could read, or talk to the mothers I admire (Stephanie, Rose, Tatiana, my Grandma, Aunt Kristen, Step mom, Mother in Law…. to name a few). Then it dawned on me. They would only tell me what worked for them. And just as I am not a carbon copy of them, my family isn’t either. I would get advice, not answers. So, the largest part is on me and of course my husband. I must be a kinder hearted person. I must be more sensitive, confident not arrogant, secure but open minded. I’ll have to love myself more so that I have more to give. If I want my kids to make the world a better place, I need to have the same expectation of myself. What can I do to show them? To teach them not tell them. While this may seem like a fairly easy concept to grasp, I never thought about it with as much seriousness as I do now. Children are dying, taking their own lives and crying alone in terror. Will one of them be mine? I sure as hell hope not. I’m sure many of these have parents of these children that have died loved them, would do anything for them…. How will I make sure that I am different? I’m not sure that I can 100%. And that terrifies me. But it is my mission to try my heart out.
I have read the following paragraphs about ten times. From Single Dad Laughing, “You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations” I have gone back over and over it the last few days and read them. This resonates with me. I replace the word “dads” with “parents”.
(from Single Dad Laughing...)
Dads. It's time to show our sons how to properly treat a woman. It's time to show our daughters how a girl should expect be treated. It's time to show forgiveness and compassion. It's time to show our children empathy. It's time to break social norms and teach a healthier way of life! It's time to teach good gender roles and to ditch the unnecessary ones. Does it really matter if your son likes the color pink? Is it going to hurt anybody? Do you not see the damage it inflicts to tell a boy that there is something wrong with him because he likes a certain color? Do we not see the damage we do in labeling our girls "tom boys" or our boys "feminine" just because they have their own likes and opinions on things? Things that really don't matter?
Dads. Speak softly to your sons. Speak calmly to your daughters. Who do you want your child to be? Do you want him to be the kid at school that sits by himself with absolutely no friends or self esteem? Or do you want him to be the kid running for class office and feeling like he deserves to win it? Do we not see that we have the power to give that to our children? Do we not see that we have the power to teach our children the tools of societal survival?
Dads. Do we not see the influence we have when we say we believe in one thing, but our children see us living something else? Do we not realize how little we encourage our children to actually decide what they believe, declare what they believe, and then live by it? Whether it's religion, politics, sports, or societal norms. It is not our place to tell our kids what to think. It is our place to teach our kids to think correctly. If we do this, we need have no fear of what they will decide for themselves and how strongly they'll stand behind it. A man will follow his own convictions to his death, but he'll only follow another man's convictions until he steps in manure.
This is how I want to parent. I want to teach so that my children are led by their hearts and their own convictions. I am going to serve as a humble leader/example while they are in my house, but eventually, they will fly away. I NEED to know that I have done the things listed in these paragraphs. It will be the crowing achievement of my life. If I can manage this, my children will not be part of the bullied or bullies themselves. Furthermore, they will be brave and have courage to stand up for what is right not what is popular. Who knows….. by standing up once for someone being picked on, my children could potentially be saving a child by sharing the light of their kindness. Giving someone else worth and validation that they do exist and that they do matter. That is all anyone wants, really. It is becoming increasingly apparent that this behavior is so desperately needed, children are dying, bringing guns to school and killing themselves. This is important. The answer lies in us.
Even in adulthood, I am continuing to learn you need to give to get and in the end only kindness matters. People will forget what you say but not how you made them feel. What prompted me to write this was the SDL, post “Memoirs of a Bullied Kid.” I read this section and immediately teared up at the raw truth and realized my responsibility to my son’s mental/emotional health.
I am going on thirty-one years old. I have spent the second half of my life studying self-esteem, self-love, and self-mastery. In the last several years, I have been blessed with the perspective to look back at those "horrible" years, and realize that the bullying I was receiving was simply the symptom of the bullying that the bullies were receiving in their own lives, whether it was their family, other bullies, or the "Perfection" going on around them. You see, I've learned one universal truth. People who love themselves, don't hurt other people. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer. Every bully that bullied me (and by the end of junior high there were at least a dozen of them) was a desperate and hurting individual. The victim of something going on around them. A soul that was probably crying in solitude as often as I was, even if the crying was silent.
And so, I will ask you now to not hate the bullies. Experience tells me that hating them, or being angry with them, will always make it worse. Instead, put your arm around them. Love them. Tell them that they are valuable. Tell them that you expect great things from them. They will stop the bullying. They will stop, because they will start to love themselves. And people who love themselves don't bully others.
And with the bullies, it's really that simple. If they actually believe that somebody loves them and believes in them, they will love themselves, they will become better people, and many will even become saviors to the bullied.
If you are a parent to a child who is less than kind to other kids, I'd very much suggest you read my post from last week, You just broke your child. Congratulations. In fact, every parent should read it. As much as we may not want to mentally go there, a lot of the problem may lie in us. If the problem doesn't, the solution does. We all must understand that we have the obligation, as parents, to help our kids love themselves.
Now, let's talk about the bullied. If you haven't noticed, it's not generally the bullies that are killing themselves, slaughtering their schoolmates, or building bombs in their bedrooms. It's the bullied that are doing that. And my heart literally is pounding through my chest right now because I know just how easy it would have been to prevent most of these incidents. I also know all too well, the consuming thoughts that constantly go through the minds of the bullied.
Please.
So many kids would still be alive right now, if somebody, anybody, would have done something. So many beautiful, incredible, wonderful souls would still be walking among us if somebody, anybody, would have done something.
And what is that something that you and I must do?
Part of the answer is a mother putting her arm around her daughter over and over again, until she is not able to keep from telling the truth about why she is sad, quiet, or angry.
Part of the answer is a father starting a fun project or taking his son fishing for some one on one time. Enough hours under the hood of a car or on the bank of a river will always bring out desperate truths.
Part of the answer is a grandfather taking his grandchild out for ice cream and simply asking how the other kids treat her at school. For some reason, good grandparents can usually cut straight to the point.
Part of the answer is a teacher doing more than simply telling the bullies to stop. The answer is a warm hand on her pupil's shoulder, a listening ear, warm words of importance, and then finding a reason for the child to come back the next day, and the next, until that child knows that his presence is cherished.
Part of the answer is a youth director dedicating an entire night to the topic of bullying, and what each child can do when they are the ones being bullied, what to do if they see people being bullied, or what they can change if they realize that they themselves are guilty of bullying others.
And while each of those small parts of the answer are crucial, there is one big part to the answer.
Peers. Classmates. Fellow pupils. Did you know that you each have more power over healing the bullied and the bullies than anyone on earth. More than their parents. More than their religious leaders. More than their teachers. The majority of the answer lies in you, and it's simple.
The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the kid who just got bullied and telling her, "don't listen to those guys. My friends and I are always talking about how awesome you are."
The answer is as simple as you having the courage to then invite her to sit with you at lunch. And it will take courage.
The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the bully, and in private telling him that you don't understand why he's doing that, because you always thought he was a bigger person than that.
The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the bully, and in private ask her if she's had a rough day. Care about her. Tell her you were wondering because of the way she was treating your classmate, and you feel she may be misunderstood. You will be amazed what you will learn.
The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the boy who just got shoved or tripped and asking him if there is anything you can do to help him. You see, just knowing that you care will plant seeds for his own courage to blossom.
The answer is as simple as you.
The answer is as simple as you having the courage.
Do you have courage like that? I hope so. I don't want to see any more kids die……
This concept has had a profound impact on me and the way I intend to parent. Thank goodness I can work on myself for a bit before Porter reaches an age when we may have to deal with such things. “…I have leaned one universal truth. People that love themselves don’t hurt other people.” This struck me to the core. This is my truth and my lesson. To love more and hurt less. To be more kind and to have more courage. God has blessed me with an angel in baby boy form and I owe it to him. I owe him my best and I have to try and try hard. I will need to take personal accountability for many things I have not wanted to. I will need to heal. But this is my blessing. My family has humbled me into these discoveries and makes me love them even more. It is out of love for them that I am pushed beyond my previous notions of what a parent “should” be. So I’ll put the challenge out to everyone who may be gracious enough to read this far. Be kinder than necessary. Be intentional. Say nice things. Hug a child. Forgive yourself. Try harder. Make someone else’s day better, everyday. Maybe we all have some healing to do.
“Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves. “
-James M. Barrie
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