Sitting down to write Scarlett's birth story, I have a hard time deciding where to start. There is so much to say about the journey. So much I want to say about the experience. I learned a lot about myself in the birth of my daughter. I got much more than I ever thought I would.
I was about 9 days past my EDD. Pfffft. Due dates are stupid anyway. We believe babies come when they are ready to. But, I will say heading past 41 weeks with a really busy toddler at home and a back that was pretty much in constant pain, I was R-E-A-D-Y. As soon as we passed 41 weeks I gave up and just decided I would be pregnant forever and my anxiety calmed and I surrendered that part to my body and she would come in her own time.
Thursday night came and I found myself wide awake in bed at 10 pm. Nothing was happening, I just simply couldn’t sleep. I went down and watched TV till midnight and finally fell asleep. At about 4:45 AM I woke up. Not “contracting”, more crampy grumblings, barely noticeable. I went downstairs so I didn’t wake anyone and watched more TV. By the time Neil and Porter got up at 6:30-7:00 I had had 6 or so “grumblings” (like my technical term?), but still wasn’t comfortable calling it labor. I texted my doula, Rose to let her know, my mom and just kinda waited. My mom called my sister who headed up from Tucson. She was planning on coming home that weekend anyways, she just left right then*in case* which I told her she was silly to do, as I was not even “in labor”.
As the morning progressed, I became confident that they were contractions, though they were totally manageable and didn’t keep me from doing anything. At that point I had maybe 4-5 an hour but they were maybe 20 seconds. My sister neared our home and suggested she come get Porter so that I could rest and focus. She stopped to get me a Starbucks (gotta love it!) and picked up Porter about 9:30 AM. In my mind, I was thinking I would see him after his nap at 3:00 still pregnant but figured he would enjoy spending time with my mom and her.
At this point, I let my midwife know, more as a friend then anything. I really wasn’t convinced I would have her anytime soon and didn’t want to get any hopes up. I just wanted her to know. I told Neil I was going to take a shower and relax. I stepped in the shower, let the warm water hit me and out of nowhere I broke down with overwhelming sobs. I wasn’t sad. I was full. I couldn’t believe how much I loved my son and how I couldn’t imagine my life without his sweet face. And now, I got to do it again. I couldn’t imagine a life with that times TWO. It was a very humbling realization. How lucky we have been. We were at the end of 2 very healthy, low risk amazing pregnancies and our family was about to be blessed once again and I knew that our family would never be the same.
I climbed in my bed to relax, watch DVR’ed TV shows and I distracted myself getting ready. Neil came upstairs to lay with me. Around 10:30 there was a marked change in my contractions. No doubting what they were. I looked at Neil and told him we should time them during our show just to check. I was just not convinced that my labor would go any kind of fast after my 16 hr first baby. So, I started timing at 10:30. They were 10 min apart for 3 of them. Then 6 minutes apart by 11:00 AM, sometimes only 4 min. They were short, 20-30 seconds, but they were real! I let my birth team know that there was a change and maybe they should be on their way soon. I was breathing and moving through them perfectly. They were very manageable so I didn’t want to rush them. Both my midwife and doula (bless their hearts) said they would “mosey” over “and set up the birth tub, in case”. That is birth speak for they are right down the street and are reading through the lines and it was the right time to come.
By noon, I was on my labor ball leaning over my bed. They were fairly intense. The only thing that made it feel better was Neil’s hands putting very, very firm pressure and squeezing on my lower back. Our doula showed up, sat with me for a bit and started setting up the birth tub. Stephanie, our midwife, appeared just after. I tried to put on my Hypnobabies but it was not working for me. I was in too active of labor to try and relax. Instead, Neil put on my favorite, Van Morrison Pandora channel on and I went back to my birth ball. Breathing very smoothly and peacefully though my contractions. I used every bit of my Hypnobabies at that point, I retreated into my head and breathed through the intense contractions. I have no idea on time at this point.
As the birth tub was being set up, I couldn’t wait to get in it. Once I did, it felt SO good. I needed and I mean NEEDED Neil for every single contraction. The harder he pressed on my lower back the better it felt. I clung with both hands to my doula and had Neil in the back for every single wave. They were coming fast and intense. I felt her move down. Up until that point, I had vocalized and handled everything extraordinarily well. Even I was impressed how I was able to stay present in the moment.
Then, I got scared. Everything happened so fast I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. My midwife warned me about this and even said if I found myself in that position to try and surrender to it. Well….. I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready. It hurt. I couldn’t believe I was feeling pushy already. So, I quit. Yep. I quit my birth. I started fighting my body. And it fought back. I begged for pain meds and the hospital cause I “couldn’t do it” (truth be known, I probably could have pushed her out then THAT’S how close I was). I got into the shower then with Neil to help relieve the pain. Finally, my doula and midwife got real with me. Which is just what I needed. They said I could fight and make it miserable or work with it and I decided to get back in the labor tub and have my baby.
But, on the way back to the tub, I had a major contraction and spotted our guest room bed and bee lined for it. It felt SO good to lie down on my back. This is pretty anti homebirth. Birthing on your back makes no sense. It fights gravity and most women don’t find it the best position to birth in. For me, it wasn’t the position, it was the Temperpedic mattress. My back labor was so bad it felt good to have the mattress mold to my back. I was asked 1000 times if I wanted to switch positions or go to the tub and I said I couldn’t make it and wasn’t going anywhere. Stephanie (my midwife) checked me and the baby’s head was right there. I just needed to push. At this point my water had not broke. With Porter, my water broke just before pushing so I wasn’t surprised.
I did what I thought was pushing but with no progress. Stephanie then started guiding me and helping me listen to my body to push her out. She gently talked me through pushing so that I wouldn’t tear and it went beautifully. It was not until those minutes I was ready to give birth. About 20 minutes of pushing and Scarlett was born. She was born at 3:42 completely in the caul with her little hand up by her cheek. The term in the caul means she was born in the amniotic sac and my water never broke. There are lots of (good) superstitions about caul babies. That they have a second sight, that they are very lucky or if they are sailors they will never drown at sea. It is a very unique thing. Because of my positioning, we got amazing pictures.
She was passed to me and Neil was supporting/holding my upper body. She didn’t cry, she was beautiful and perfect. Everyone in the room lost it. Tears of joy abounded as our little girl joined us in complete peace, Earthside. And just like that, the pain was gone and the pride swelled up. I was so proud. Proud of my baby, proud of my husband who supported me 100% through the whole thing and I was proud of myself. I have never been more proud than I am in my birthing times. I did it. Two perfect homebirths just as they needed to be. The same amazing birth teams that are now best friends. My sister held my hand for both my babies, a good friend was there taking pictures, Stephanie’s amazing apprentice (and friend) and Rose, our doula, without whom I don’t think I could have a baby. It was perfect.
Scarlett Sinclaire weighed in at 7 lb 12 oz and 20 inches long. She had/has a full head of dark hair and the bluest eyes. She looked like a mini, girl version of Porter. She nursed like a champ, she got her “Stephanie hat” specially made for her and got sung happy birthday by her midwife. All this about 5 hrs after I started timing contractions! Amazing and a definite unexpected bonus.
Looking back at her birth, sometimes I am sad/disappointed I didn’t “do better” or that I got scared and fought it for so long. I really know better. But, I think about birth like a skyscraper building. The bottom being the start of labor and the penthouse being the finish line. And, for me, there are 3 people involved. Me, the baby and God/Universe. And for birth to happen, we all 3 have to be on the same level in the penthouse to get it done. For Scarlett’s birth, God and the baby were a couple floors ahead of me. And I got there, in my own time, the way I needed to get there. Everything was made beautiful in it’s own time.
