Free to be You and Me

I have had every intention to blog more. I really love it. But I can always find a reason not to, no time, no energy, I don’t think I have anything relevant to say. And something happened abt 2-3 weeks ago that made me want to stop completely. I thought about making my blog private or shutting it down all together. I felt violated by someone who doesn’t even know me or my family.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted to write about it. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. But it is kind of like a gnat that won’t go away and it came up again today. I want to be a grown up and say I don’t care and she isn’t worth the time to recognize. But, it keeps coming up in some way or another. And I get pissed every time it comes up so I am putting this out into the world. Then I am moving on.

You see, this person, (whom I am not friends with in real life or Facebook land) is part of a larger community that I am involved in. She is one of those people I know by name and who she is but not much more. She linked Scarlett’s birth story and posted it to her personal Facebook page and made a mockery of it. She twisted my words, my thoughts and my feelings regarding my birth to suit her own personal vendetta. She did so without my knowledge or my consent. It was horrible. I asked her to take it down, she refused. My story that I wrote for Scarlett, while she slept on my chest at 5 days old, she publically bashed. It bothered me that she linked my beautiful baby’s birth story, complete with pictures and personal sentiment and used it for anything negative. The thought of someone using my birth and daughter like a weapon sickened me as a mother.

I will be the bigger person and not go into details of what her vendetta is. I won’t give that any more fuel. The child in me wants to name her and publicly humiliate her. But I won’t. That makes me like her and that….I am not. I won’t even go into why I think she would do such a horribly cruel thing, for I have a few ideas on that too. I was very, very angry. My mama bear roared. Her thoughts….my blog is public. Up for public use however they see necessary. Which, sadly is true and I must accept that. I had a close friend equate it to saying it is ok to rob someone if they leave their doors unlocked. Which is more how I tend to think and certainly how I felt. This person sought me out, found what she wanted and twisted away. I have done nothing to her to deserve that, as I said before we don’t even know each other.

So I have thought several times about what I wanted to say and what to do. My conclusion….. I won’t make my blog private. I won’t live in fear of people, her or anyone else unless I feel myself or my children’s safety is at risk. That is not the case here. She now has my pity, for something must very wrong for someone to do such a thing. I hope she seeks help and I hope she finds peace. But she won’t win. She won’t change me or my little blog that barely anyone reads. I like being an open book so to speak. I like to share my amazing family with the world. And my little girl…. Well, she started changing the world on her way out of the womb. We call her the paparazzi baby since so many pictures were taken while I was pushing and in the minutes after. I wanted it that way. I asked for it. I had a friend come specifically for that reason. It was my one regret with Porter. Not having enough pictures.

But with Scarlett…..we stumbled into pictures you never, ever see or at least hardly ever. I willingly gave them to my midwife (in fact, her student is the one that took them) because they were so important. I asked to remain anonymous and agreed to let her write about them. She was giddy over it and wrote it hours after Scarlett was born. They were too good not to share. We got pictures of what happens to the cord when you practice delayed cord clamping (which I do) so that there is a real picture to put to all the information out there. I never thought anything of it, but the post that my midwife wrote about it, got rave reviews and tons of comments. People asked to use them for instructional purposes. To explain the benefits, to show something real. I had no idea, but I was honored and proud that my birth yielded such good things. That Scarlett may somehow inspire another family to make a different choice. It didn't stop there. We also got amazing pictures of her in the caul. I chose a birth position that enabled completely amazing pictures of her being born with my bag of waters still intact. Trust me, this was all by chance. I was in no way shape or form in that position for the pictures, it was for the back comfort. It was just how the chips fell and how lucky were we?!

My midwife kindly edited the pictures so you don’t really see anything but the baby, you can’t see my face, nobody would know who I am at all. And in the birth community…… it spread like wildfire, in a good way. To this day, I think her caul babies post is one of her most viewed posts ever and again, something that will go on to educate and inspire mama’s to trust their bodies. People didn't know it was me in the pictures but I read all the comments thanking "the mama" for allowing the pictures to be published. They called her inspiring. My lil girl did all that within her first 30 minutes on this Earth. Booya.(if you want the link, let me know)

P.S. my midwife is probably shocked I outed myself.... I swore I never would. Hiiiii Stephanie.... *waves* Love you!!! But, in the wake of all this, it is her that has taught me the benefits of being vulnerable and open. She is herself. It isn't always easy or fun. She said it better than I ever could here


So, what is my point? I guess it is that while I was upset that what I wrote got taken from me and twisted, it doesn’t encapsulate what actually happened the day Scarlett was born. The person who did this was not there and really doesn’t know anything but her opinion. She is right, I put it out there, I opened myself up and I intend to stay that way. She has no idea the awesomeness that was Scarlett’s birth, the educational tools that came out of it, the pride that I felt. I ROCKED the face off my birth and nobody, especially someone that wasn’t in the room is going to take that away. I know better and everyone around me knows better too. Someone I don’t know will not dictate what I share or don’t. That is up to me and my husband. We are so proud of both of our births and both our babies. We are so proud to be a part of our birth community. We are proud to have our midwife et. al in our lives as a friend and treasured care provider. So one person doesn’t agree. Big woop. So while I was deeply offended and saddened by what happened, it will not define my little blog or any of my posts. So keep stopping by here if you wanna see a glimpse into our life and our kids, cause we aren’t going anywhere.

Moving on now…………