You see, I have been unknowingly poisoning myself for the better part of my adult life. Not 100% of the time, mind you, but often enough to have drastic ramifications. I have been forever plagued with self worth issues, I struggled to come to terms with the relationships I have with my parents, the poor choices I have made in past relationships and it snowballed and seeped into many smaller things in my life. Up until about 1-2 years ago, I trapped myself in this paralyzing place that I had to be perfect to do anything and therefore I either did nothing or took the easy way out. I drank too much. I gained weight. But I was fine…. I was. Fine. Fine?! Who wants to be fine? Not me. That is like someone describing you as nice. I mean, nice is great or …. fine, but seriously…. I think I can do better than nice or fine. Fine just isn’t good enough and it never should have been. Now, don’t get me wrong, parts of my life, (meeting my hubby, dating, family moments, graduating, having Porter) were/are fantastic, but I kept myself bogged down.
I convinced myself I had “issues” I was dealing with/getting over, but I never stopped to ask myself when does the getting over get done? Done as in finished, over, fini, no mas? When does that freedom happen? Well, I have asked myself such questions as of late and the answer is….only I have the power to say when enough is enough. The fact of the matter is, my childhood wasn’t perfect (nobodies is) but it is over. Mommy/Daddy issues have no place in my healthy adult life. I can construct relationships with my friends and family within whatever boundaries I want in my ADULT life. I am not frozen in time 15 year old, no need to re-hash crap from 10 (ok 12) years ago. Past relationships ….. again ….. done-ski. Doesn’t matter. I married a great man, no need to beat myself up that I used to take a lot of crap from men that I had no business being with, who were in no way, shape or form good enough for me. I found one, a keeper, celebrate that and don’t look back. Being perfect… well, I will never be. And I don’t wanna be and I don’t have to be. I am quirky, unique and flawed. But, my husband loves me, my son loves me and I have some pretty great friends and family. If your friends are a reflection of yourself, I am A-ok there too. Poor choices? Lets face it, everyone has a story. And I love to hear other people’s stories, which is why I write this, I am (or try to be) an open book. Sharing is a way of connecting, a way of knowing we are not alone. And guess what… I’m not.
So I don’t need all that emotional baggage that used to define me anymore. I can let go of previous misconceptions. I CAN change my mind. I don’t need the hurt. I don’t need to be defined by my own lowest common denominator, we are not a summation of the worst decisions we have made in our lives. What other people think…. Irrelevant. Those opinions come from those people’s experiences. I get to choose whose opinions and advice best suit my family. I am free to grow into the person I am meant to be, not what expectations I put on myself or others gave me. I have ultimate faith my path will be revealed to me. Hasn’t let me down thus far. You change your thoughts, you change your life. It took some time to realize but all that stuff that I have been waiting to get over, well, it just doesn’t apply anymore. It doesn’t fit. It is over and done and I like this Linsay better. No sense forcing a square peg through a round hole.
It is my new goals are to just be. Seek new things, know God, find truth, love big and live bigger. I want to give back, be grateful, be humble and grow a healthy family. It is my business to create…… every day. To have gratitude…. every day. To understand I cannot and don’t have to do it alone. God is merciful. There is infinite beauty in my flaws. These may seem like simple concepts, but so many adults get frozen and paralyzed with the “fine” and I am going to try and challenge myself farther, push myself to live my best life.
The moral of the story is, I have a great life, even though it is beyond stressful and chaotic sometimes. I am lucky. My stressful/chaotic days, all I need is to ask for help and I have fantastic people that offer support, guidance and kind words. Even my bad days are absolutely bearable. It is all a matter of perspective. The journey is the fun part. From now on, I am (or trying to) take it one day at a time. Stay tuned….. great things
Micah 6:8
“He has showed you, O Man what is good.
And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”
What a great reminder about our own responsibility in controlling our attitudes and actions. I love that I am completely free in Christ. Because I know God is sovereign, I can trust that he perfectly planned my past and my future. I can be free from dwelling in the past because I can trust that it was all part of God's plan to bring me to this point and to all points in the future where he wants me to be.
ReplyDeleteI love that verse in Micah. Another one that gives me great comfort in tough times is this following one from Paul in the book of 2 Corinthians when he was struggling with feeling like he wasn't good enough, had too many flaws:
"9 But he [God] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses", so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I LOVE that. The weaker I am, the more flawed I am, the more good God can do. How amazing and how freeing that is to embrace!
Another one I love-
" 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galations 5
We are so free when we embrace the truth of who we are in God- he knows we are imperfect and accepts as we are because he WANTS us to need him and depend on Him. How can you turn that down?!