The Way We Were

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” –Carrie Bradshaw, SATC



I came across this quote randomly last week. I am a self admitted Sex and the City addict. I have seen every episode at least 3 times. I know exactly which episode this quote is from (as well as what outfit she was wearing) and though I won’t say that my life is necessarily “scary” it is far more adult that sometimes I stop and realize. There is a switch from foot loose and fancy free to responsibility and safety nets. It is not all bad but for me, more mental balance is in order.

I made a list of 50 things to do before I die, when I was probably 17 years old. I wrote it on a piece of spiral bound, notebook paper, probably on a random afternoon when I had nothing else to do but feel inspired. I tossed it in my nightstand and continued about my life. Nothing on that list seemed that “out there” at the time. It has dawned on me. Somewhere along the line, I have become safe. And in some ways that is good. I have two houses, a full time job, a son, a little girl on the way and a husband. I have responsibilities. The dreaded “R” word. Doesn’t get more adult than that. But that is ok, for the most part, I like my responsibilities. I chose them, I have always wanted them.

But, I am at a kind of crossroads in my life, a time of great change, there are some big things on the horizon and sometimes I wonder how the younger, saucier, more confident Linsay would take it on. Failure never really occurred to me as a young person. I have always worked hard, been smart and thought creatively. I had faith everything would fall into place if I stayed true to myself and stayed those three things. Sometimes I wonder what she would say now looking down the current barrel of my life. Her “youthful blindness” is something I miss sometimes. The real world has stolen most of that away. My rose colored glasses are gone along is my once ever present style and panache. They have been replaced with constant self doubt, reconciliation of past mistakes, bigger hips, much less sleep but probably a more real, well rounded (literally) individual.

It is not a bad thing, how I am now. That is not what I mean. Now, I laugh a little at my list. I laugh at my priorities but still, I don’t wanna forget them. I like that daring girl. I like that I had self confidence and cared less about what people thought and more about what would make my life full. I know I wrote all of them for myself and nobody else. I included such things as “own a pair of leather pants and know I look good in them” and “learn to tango”. Now, I get that I am a whopping 28 years old, plenty of time to tango. But, now… I don’t really want to learn. I’m self conscious, I don’t want people looking at me, my body has had (going on) 2 kids. Not nearly the same, not as “list worthy”. My old motivation was my love of learning new things, I loved to dance and loved other cultures. Leather pants, um yeah, try stretchy pants. First of all, I live in AZ, leather pants, no way. Second of all, I have no desire to call attention to myself like that, blech. Even back then, I was not the leather pant wearing kind of girl. But I wrote it to push myself or try something new, just for fun. If it didn’t turn out like I wanted, then oh well. Funny story.

Now, I am ok with letting go with some of the things on my list, others, they are staying on there. I’m ok with not owning leather pants, but I will see Barcelona one day. That one is staying. I am just not ok with being so safe, so ok with status quo in regards to my “person”. I don’t accept that for my family, why should I accept that for myself? I have become paralyzed with the fear of failure; I have internalized most negative things said to me by those closest to me. Pair that with less time and more responsibility and the risk of failure becomes too great, right? I get swallowed up in the everyday. Now I have all of my “R’s” to think about. But maybe, just maybe, there is a middle ground. Maybe, looking down the barrel of some (possible) great things to come, I should toss away my skepticism and remember that somewhere inside there is a pretty spunky gal that once upon a time, knew what it was to have a little faith in myself. I can be that girl and the mom and wife I want to be too. How do I teach my kids to go for it, be free thinkers, and push themselves, if I am not willing to do it myself? Having a 17 mo old, I know well, kids do what you do, not what you say. I don’t see that part of parenting changing any time soon. So while, my priorities may have changed, my outfits have changed, my shoes no longer have heels, being a wife and mama is (overwhelmingly and thankfully) now priority number one. There is still enough left to put out into the world. There is still more to give. Things change, people change, I just have to remember to check in with 17 year old Linsay every now and again for a little boost of confidence and unwavering faith that I can do anything I set my mind to.