C'mon June.......

I realized that I have not written a blog post in a long time.  And I love blogging.  I just plain don't have much to say really that isn't a repeat.  Or maybe it is that I have too much to say.  I am not sure which at this point.  Things are busy, busy at Casa de Smith and I can hardly keep up.  Neil and I knew this would be a rough year in many aspects.  We also knew that the first 6 months would be the hardest.  Thank GOD we are going into May.  As Neil says, we are "counting down" once June hits.  We knew it wouldn't be easy, but nobody thought it would be this hard!

What going on? Well, everything. And don't misunderstand me, it isn't all bad (and I don't mean to make it sound that way).  There is a difference between ALOT and BAD, I have realized.  Our biggest obstacle thus far..... fiercely sticking to our debt elimination and budgeting.  We decided we want no debt.  As in none, nada, zip, zero, ziltch other than our mortgages.  No cars, no credit cards, no loans, no nothing.  In January, we started off just wanting to pay off the money we put into the new house and the rest of our wedding.  Then, with our new baby addition and desire for a lifestyle change, we decide nope, we want as few obligations as possible. So, we decided to get rid of everything we could.  All cars, all debt. We decided to be anti-consumers of sorts.  Live on less to have more.  Great concept, difficult to execute.

From now on, we are (and have been) as "cash" a family as we can be.  Even if that means driving old cars, staying in our smaller house,  not taking lavish vacations, whatever it takes, we will save and pay cash.  Obviously, huge purchases, like a house, we will finance, but not much else.  And that is good right? Well, yes...... and no.  We put ourselves on a self imposed fast track.  We cut down on any and everything possibly could ( like $40.... maybe$50 a week to ten days on groceries).  We operate on a cash basis for all miscellaneous expenses, when it is gone, it is gone.  We have put any and every extra towards our elimination goal.  So we watched a healthy tax return amount go in and out of our account, a bonus and our monthly large payments.  The result? After May we will be 65-70% there.  Whew. By December we will be done.  But it has taken some creativity when Porter has gotten sick and needed a breathing machine, $200 here and there for fixes and repairs (OK, OK and my speeding ticket), Porter's first birthday, DIY'ing our backyard, Valentines Day, birthdays. Am I glad... yes.  Will I be happy when we don't have to scrutinize every $20 spent..... YES, YES! I am all about a budget, but it is important to have a life that includes splurges and "cheats" if you will.  We knew that it would be tough, that the first half of the climb would be much, much harder.  But we are feeling the pressure.  It is tempting to give in and do things to make our life "easier" though long term, it won't be. So far, we have stuck with it, but it hasn't been stress free!

There are so many things to look forward to and sometimes I find myself needing a major attitude adjustment.  I am tired,  I am working 40-45 hours outside the home, Porter started waking up at night again, we have had several bouts of major sickness, I am 17 weeks pregnant, Neil is gone a ton and I could go on and on. This is also a difficult and fun stage in Porter's development.  His tantrums are awful.  Really, really bad.  But, 90% of the time, he is the loviest, cuddliest, cutest bug ever.  He makes me laugh every day.  But he is challenging me more everyday as well. Sometimes I feel spread too thin and I can't do anything great so I just get everything done. I don't have the patience I want to have.  I don't have the time to do all the little things I used to for myself or for others. I don't return phone calls in a timely manner, every time I turn around the mess I cleaned up is there again.  In my heart, I know it is for the greater good, that this is very temporary.  I have a great job (as does Neil) that provides very, very well for our family. But in the moment, I am selfish.  I get swallowed up and I know Neil does too.  So many things to do and only a finite amount of time to do it. We want to be everything for everyone and for each other. Most days we are pretty good others not so much.    I have my eye on a goal and we are taking it a day at a time to get there.  We decided it was worth the months of crunch time for years of freedom. There are big things in store. Many I cannot talk about just yet openly.  And in the thick of it, I lose sight of that.  I can't imagine the freedom that is coming and how that feels.  I can only imagine what it feels like now.  And I am not so whiny or entitled to think I am the only one going through this or that many, many people have walked down this same road. My hat is off to each and every one of you.  It is the sacrifice we make (and tons have made) for our family. And while I know I won't get the past 6 months I spent stressed out back, I also have faith my future is bright, bright, bright.

So, I am sure it sounds more bad than good.  But I assure you it isn't.  We are at the light at the end of the tunnel, people!  We scrimped, saved and were savvy Internet shoppers, so we are taking a family vacation to San Diego for Memorial Day.  We are taking our boy to the zoo and the beach.  Our backyard is finished pretty much and we can now enjoy it with friends instead of have it suck up our weekends.  The house.... well it is getting there.  One project at a time.  We are looking forward to our ultrasound for New Baby in two weeks. Neil's birthday is this Thursday and I am so excited for his gift.  We will have a great (and hot) summer bbq'ing and enjoying our pool. I am hoping I can finally open my sewing machine and make something fun.  I am hoping to take a little more me time and focus on New Baby.

 As I write this, I see even more how much we have.  How plentiful and blessed our life is. It is hard to see the forest through the trees sometimes.  It is hard not to get swallowed up or jealous of people that seem to have it "easier".  I feel guilty for giving into self pity some days because I know a million people would switch places with me in a second. I get that. The truth is, my cup runneth over.  I need to be more grateful, more appreciative. I tend to want it all and want it now.  I strive for perfection in everything.  I have full blown Super Mom Syndrome where I think I can do it all when I am merely human. And frankly, "doing it all" makes this girl no fun.  I believe life gives us two things.  Gifts and lessons.  This last five months has been a humbling amount of both.  It has been the biggest growing experience of my life, big 'ol slice of humble pie. So, tonight, when I finally stop around 7:30 PM (Neil is gone again), my dishes probably won't be done, my floor certainly need serious sweeping, plastic toys will strewn about, instead of feeling overwhelmed or guilty, I will tell myself I am exactly where I need to be to get where I am going.  I will (try) and trust I will be provided for no matter what.  The end is near yes, but today...... not so bad.  I can do this.  One day at a time.