Super Mom???

If you notice my handy little baby ticker at the top of my blog, you will see that little Scarlett will be here in approximately 69 days. 69 DAYS! I must admit, in some ways I am so ready. I (strangely) am not one of those people that LOVES being pregnant. At this point, I feel like a house that waddles everywhere and I can’t wait to not pee every 10-15 minutes and wear a belt. And the heat…. Don’t even get me started. But, I kind of have “new parent” jitters a little. I have a confession……. I don’t solidly remember what it is like to have a newborn. *Gasp* I mean, it is probably a bit like riding a bike and every baby is different, but truly, I have to reach pretty far back to remember specific details about Porter’s early days. It seems like a whole life ago.


I have different mama friends email and contact me a lot with various questions. And, I kind of laugh to myself when they come rolling in. Silly rabbits, I am NO expert. In fact, most days I’m a mess (or my house is, pick your pleasure). I get frustrated with my tantruming son, I argue with my husband and I feel like I can never quite do anything well enough because I am doing so much. But I really love my life and I really, really love my family. Most days, it is great. I get the “I don’t know how you do it all” a lot from acquaintance type people. My internal response is, “ummm, I don’t”. But I smile and nod and say “oh, I don’t know, one day at a time”. But I try really hard every day. I try to be the best version of myself possible. But I fail and fall short a ton. Sooooo, add another little human in the mix and this Type A-ish planner mom starts to hyperventilate. I feel like a newbie all over again. How do you have a newborn again??

I haven’t nursed in almost a year. I had some major issues with it even though I loved it. A newborn nurses 10-12 times a day. *duh* I knew that…… I just forgot. How do I squeeze that in?! Oh and did you know, newborns don’t take two naps and the same 11 hours at night like P man has for the last 8 months. (Insert sarcasm here) Yeah, I knew that too. I will be at the mercy of a little tiny being. All. the. time. I converse several times a week with different new mommies about these same issues. Exhaustion, pumping, relationships, hormones. Oh and I know it is worth it. New babies are the BEST things on Earth (along with cinnamon rolls and Mexican food). I love squishy, new bugs. I just forgot I am having one. She will actually be a real live, newborn baby with all that comes with. Yes, I did this once before. God only knows how. I told a mama friend just last night that there were times I took the “lets just get through this and screw what doctors, books, parents and advice says, I need sleep and insanity is the only other option”. There were times Porter spent the first part of the night in his car seat next to us (I know, I know, gasp, shock, awe) because for some reason that was the ONLY place he would not cry and actually slept. I’m pretty sure Neil has come dangerously close to falling asleep while bouncing on my yoga ball with a teeny Porter in his arms. We have done the “is he breathing? Ok, awesome, don’t touch him” thing and left him to sleep wherever he was at. Neil and I have had the oh- so- fun- fight when Porter was 3 weeks old and Neil came home to a house that was torn apart, an unshowered mom and baby and said “ um, what did you do all day?” BOOM! Explosion. Mama meltdown. **Side note; that was really early on, Neil knows now not to ask such things. He learned quickly because he easily does half the baby work. He knows as well as I do how much work being a parent is. He is a really involved, amazing daddy that puts up with this crazy mama a lot.**

And that was with one. One baby. Nothing else to do but my one baby and I still don’t know how we made it through. Now I start all over…..but with a toddler. That tantrums, is a wild man and is the cutest busiest little thing ever. How will I re-learn everything and still do all that I can’t seem to do now?! Cue breathing into a paper bag. I dunno what I was expecting….. I guess to throw the wee one in a wrap and away we go. Maybe it will go that way. Who knows? Maybe I have super mom syndrome and some things will just have to give. But what will that do to my psyche? I like taking showers and having a clean house. Can I still do (not do) it all?? What gives?

Don’t misunderstand me. I am so, unbelievably stoked to have my baby girl join our family. I make Neil listen in great detail to all my plans for Christmas time and all the things we are gonna do as a family of 4. I can’t wait. It isn’t her I second guess, she is perfect. It is me. I wanna be the best wife, mama, person who plays accountant, friend, home maker etc. etc. that I can be. I am hoping I can be all those things for her and still be those things for Porter and hope that there is something left for Neil. I’m scared I’ll fall short. I’m scared I already do. So I tell myself what I have told my friends. Plenty of women have walked this path before me and been just fine. I will figure it out as I go, just as I did once before. I am NO expert. But I don’t need to be. All I can be is me and hope that will be enough. And also hope, from time to time, that one of my fellow mama friends pours me a big ‘ol glass of red wine and tells me I am doing great and greasy hair and no makeup is the new black.

One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for the Smith-kind

We made a big decision here at Casa de Smith.  It was over a year ago that I watched Food Inc. and others of the like.  I was of course, inspired, grossed out, wanting to change our eating habits and quit my job to lobby for better food practices (ok, maybe not that far).  There is no denying, it is pretty horrific what happens to our food.  But, change is expensive and not easy.  And with our major debt diet, how do you fit that in.  So therein lies the rub.

But things are relaxing a bit (just a bit, mind you) budget wise and recently our company had a health and wellness fair where lots of health affiliated companies come out, set up booths and chat with the employees.  We (meaning Neil and I, we work for the same company) also got our blood pressure taken, sugars and cholesterol checked.  The results, for me they were ok.  For Neil, not so much. It scares me, I just want him to be healthy for our family and for himself.  But that is for another post. We signed up to get some information from a company called Fresh Foods Direct.  They specialize in all organic, free range, hormone free, organic, wild caught whatever else you can think of meats.  This is something that is hard to affordably come by unless you shop at Whole Foods (which is not affordable for us) or some other specialty stores.  But even then there are loop holes as to what they can call "organic".

So, a representative came out to our house.  He was really nice, I knew most of the stuff he was talking about already, but I must say we were very impressed. It is the hybrid we have been looking for. I have long talked about wanted to buy a 1/4 or a cow and pig so that we know what it ate and how it was raised.  But that too, is expensive and laborious. And truly organic, free range chicken is hard to come by. So this idea is delievering in bulk, all trimmed and pre packaged, sans all the salt water, hormones, antibiotics and other yucky stuff. 

While we are by no means an all organic family, I would like to try and move more towards a homespun, organic lifestyle. I/we cook probably 6 days a week, I don't allow frozen stuff (i.e. dinners, pizzas, hot pockets etc) in our house.  But if you go through our cupboards, you will find a box of Apple Jacks bought as a treat and a few cans of Pringles, cause they are my favorite.  But, for the most part, we aren't huge into processed, pre-prepared food.  Maybe like 85% of the time being really good is what I am shooting for.  I think the ramification of what is in our food will compile over the coming years and we will come to find out that it is the culprit of many modern day diseases and disorders. Especially having a girl.  We have been advised by our late pediatrician, if we can afford to feed our kids one organic thing, it should be meat.  The increase in disease and how early menstruation is happening in young girls now is astounding.  So, we take one step at a time. We take it with a grain of salt.  We have to live in the real world too, but we can adjust some of our choices. Both Neil and I want to set a healthy example for our kids and also fuel them with the best food we can.

So, gulp, we took the leap and signed up.  It ain't cheap.  But it is far less than shopping organic at main stream grocery stores.  We got a fairly size able package.  It should last us around 6 months.  We got to pick from all kinds of choices.  We have everything from ground beef, to ground turkey, to steaks, a TON of chicken, wild caught salmon, halibut, mahi mahi. Organic chicken sausages, frozen organic veggies and nitrate/hormone free bacon.  Seriously, a TON of food. We took the hit up front and will end up really the same cost wise in the end I think.  Since it is portioned and trimmed, it really limits waste.  And forces us (which we already do) to eat in all the time and use up our restaurant grade, organic meat at home.  It is hard for me to write a big check, but Neil calmed me down and talked me through how it really is in the best interest of our family and our health. And he is right.  In the end, it may cost slightly more, but it is worth it.  Gotta put our money where our beliefs are.  And it STILL is cheaper than eating out (that is a fact).

We should have our shipment in early July.  We need a deep freezer and that is pretty much it.  I am excited to try it out.  I am hoping as I have more time to focus on our family health and get back into shape post partum, that I will really hone in on health.  This is a start though.  One major staple covered.  I am hoping to grocery shop with $30.00 a week now, since our major food cost is covered.  Hoping for some new, fresh, healthy recipes and an overall lifestyle change to come..... one step at a time!

Find Your Bliss.

I am not decisive by nature. I am just not.  I hem and haw.  I have really very few things that are absolute.  When I asked what I wanna be when I grow up, I could see myself do a bazillion things, not just one.  Sometimes I am envious of those that have a specific calling or affinity. I wish I had just one.  I change my mind all the time. It drives me (and my husband) crazy that I am so flighty sometimes! 

  


Folly Beach at sunset.

 

But, one thing I do know, I have a favorite spot in the whole wide world.  My bliss spot.  My geographical soul mate.  Charleston, SC but more specifically, Folly Beach, which is very near it.  Charleston is pure charm and magic.  Folly Beach is even better.  I can't think of a spot I would rather be. Have you ever gone somewhere and you just "know".  It just fits, feels like home.  Folly Beach is Jimmy Buffet-esque, quirky, artsy and quaint. Pretty much perfect, at least to me.  If I am in SC and I say I want to go to the beach, I want to go to Folly.  Sure, there are "nicer", "fancier" beaches.  Some where movies have been shot and crazy mansions have been built, but me, give me Folly Beach any day.  It is where I got engaged (that is when all the pictures on the right were taken, just minutes before the proposal) , it is where I have spent some of my best days and where I cannot wait to take my kids to.  If I had any dream in the whole world, it would be to have a beach cottage on the ocean at Folly Beach.  I don't want big, I don't want fancy.  I want fun, colorful, vintage, cottage charm. 

I was reminded of this today when I was reading one of my many blogs, when I stumbled upon an article about a beach cottage.  A fabulous designer rescued it and it is brilliantly called it 99 Steps (as in 99 steps away from the beach!). I fell in love.  Decorating styles (along with everything else) is something I can never decide on.  Modern, contemporary, traditional, I like em all.  Until now.  My absolute favorite.... vintage beach chic. I emailed Neil the article of the house (which is not on Folly, but this is my fantasy remember?) and said "This house, on Folly Beach, a Jeep Wrangler, kiddos and pups and I would die one happy girl".  I followed it up with "If I win the lotto and you can't find me, look for me and Bailey (our water dog) HERE."  And I mean it.  It falls in line with my desire to live on less but live beautifully.  I get it, it is a beach spot, still bukoo bucks, but when I picture my perfect spot, it is small and lived in.  Cozy for my family to enjoy.  It isn't safe, it is playful, fun and carefree.  Kinda how I wish I could be.  For now, I will live vicariously through my imaginary real estate that has all the traits I wish to embody myself.  And it is glorious! Gimme a beach cottage, a beach cruiser, a jacked up Jeep Wrangler, my kids & hubby and my doggies and you will never hear a peep outta me!  But check it out... can you blame me?!



Now take this spot and insert this house.  Um...... amazing.

 

I love the color and how quaint it is.

Insert Neil here

 

Yes, Please.

 

Insert me reading and having some wine, here.

 So this is it, my little slice of heaven, the place I see when I close my eyes and think about bliss in terms of real estate... he he.

Anyone else have a favorite spot they just love and  never get sick of?

New Baby FAQ's

So I have already gotten a TON of questions about the new baby.  We told some close friends and family before posting it to the Facebook/Blogger world.  So, inevitably I got a slew of the same questions over and over again about this baby and so I thought, maybe I will just put my answers out there for everyone! I know a lot of "birthy" people, so it may be interested to share and see what responses and feedback I get. 

*** these are kinda/sorta personal questions/answers so if stuff regarding babies, birth stories, breasts etc. freak you out.... feel free to skip...... if not... read on!****

1.  When did you find out?
   
Very early.  Though not intentionally.  I took a test at 36 days and it was negative.  By 41 days I went, Hmmmmm, and took a test and it was positive in about .05 seconds.  The three after that were positive too.... and the one the next day.  (I am only paranoid cause I have gotten not ONE but TWO false positive pregnancy tests since Porter was born)

2.  Are you going to have another homebirth?

God willing YES!  I love how people though having a home birth was a phase or something.....  mostly older family members and such... got questions that sort of resembled "you doing that home thing again?" My answer "EEeeeyup!".  That is if everything goes well and I stay healthy and low risk, which I was with Porter and I am currently.  Until something happens, that is the plan.  Stephanie Soderblom will be our midwife again and Rose will be our doula, same birth team.  Though to be honest I had a hard time with the doula part, not cause of Rose (not at all she HAS to be there or I can't do it I don't think ;)  but because I know a bazillion awesome doulas and would love to have a big'ol birth party with all of them there.  (kidding...... kinda)  Anyway, rest assured, I am in the great hands of God, my husband and Stephanie.  It is all good.

3.  Are you sick?

Nope, not yet.  But I am more queasy shall we say...... I notice it when I am brushing my teeth and I get bouts of feeling like I just got off a ride or something.  Kinda blech... but not sick. But it is very infrequent.  My sense of smell is more elevated.  I cleaned something nasty outta of the fridge and that was not pretty. Or fun.  I am tired. Tired, tired, tired.  I am ready for bed round about 8:30 or 9:00.

4.  WOW.  Your kids are going to be really close.

Uh huh.  Aren't I lucky?! My P-man will be the best big brother ever.  And, he will have an instant best friend. Yes, it may be hard the first year with two babies essentially, but I have a lot of help, a lot of family and a lot of support.  I prefer the term colorful or lively or awesome.... cause that is what I think my life will be!

5.  Were you guys trying?

Er.... no/yes.  We weren't not trying.  Kind of a lose natural family planning type thing (which doesn't work when you ovulate on day 20!) but nothing super set in stone.  We actually thought if we didn't get pregnant in January that we would wait until this summer to try.  But Neil has wanted another for a LONG time and I don't have any close siblings.  So I wanted that for my kids and we kind of left this one up the big Guy upstairs.  Whenever he wanted to give us this blessing, we would gladly take it! In the grand scheme of life, what is 6 months?

6. Will you breast feed again?

Yes.  Not sure how long.  As long as it works for our family. 

7. Are you going to find out what gender the baby is?

NO!  We are gonna try not to.  We found out with Porter so we feel like not finding out will be something that this baby can have.  The greatest surprise in the world.  Plus, being a second time mommy, I know better.  For the first two weeks babies only need a boob, some blankets, a baby wearing device, diapers and some onsies.  After that, if it is a girl, we can go SHOP!

8. Do you wanna a girl or boy and do you have names?

Ummmmm.  We want health first and foremost.  10 fingers, 10 toes.  A girl would be nice but I love having a boy too.  So I am pretty torn.  I like the idea of close brothers.  So I dunno.  If we have a girl, some par of her name will be Sinclaire.  Neil lost his father when I was pregnant with Porter and Sinclair (no E) was Neil's fathers middle name.  It has been passed down for generations.  And Neil's father ALWAYS wanted a little girl of his own, but they had 2 boys, so I had the idea to put an 'e' on the end to make it feminine and name her Sinclaire and call her Claire.  But we may do Sinclaire as a middle name too.  My current favorite is Gabriella Sinclaire.  Boys names are harder.  Neil says I like strange names so we will have to see!  I like Samuel and Benjamin so far.

9.  Anything different this time?

One thing sticks out and I am curious what my mama's of mulitple kids and my birthy friends say.  I have MUCH more birth fear.  Like bad.  Sometimes it makes me panic.  Don't misunderstand me at all.  I am completely confident in my home birth/midwife choice.  That is not it at all.  But my labor was intense with Porter.  Really intense.  I felt like I fought it a lot, though I didn't mean too.  It is like I KNOW now and therefore I am scared.  Out of nowhere.  And I know this one will be shorter.  I know I will not push for 2 hours.  My brain knows that.  My body goes "Holy hell not that again" and I don't know why.  But it bothers me.  I love pregancy and all that surrounds it.  Most the ladies I know live and breathe labor and delivery.  I believe women were built for this.  Our bodies can do it.  Each sensation is custom built for us for a reason.  So why the hell am I so scared? I don't get it at all.  I gotta pray and meditate and get advice from other people because I have NO idea where it came from.  I want to use this birth as an opportunity to use my knowledge and strength to make it as magical as it was with P... but how do I get there??


to be continued, lemme know if there are any others! I am an open book!

Roses Are Red, Violets are Blue, the Smith family has a Surprise for YOU!

OK..... we are finally ready to share our BIG news!  Neil and I are expecting our second baby this October!!!  We are really, really, really excited.  Being parents has been the greatest blessing for each of us and we cherish every second we spend with P-man. I am about seven weeks along, baby is approximately the size of a blueberry currently  So, our babies will be close, about 21 months apart, but that is just fine by us.  October is my favorite month, although I am not looking forward to be pregnant in the Arizona summer.  A couple California summer trips may be needed to cool down!  We also wanted to wait till we could send out Valentines from Porter to our close family and friends before we went "cyber" with our news so we waited until now...... but phone calls are rolling in that people received their Valentines and so it is safe to share now. We are so happy to announce our growing blueberry and will continue with updates.  We are one very blessed little family! Here is Porter's Big Brother Valentine. 



The Caption is blurry. 
"Roses are Red, Violets are Blue,
 In Early Oct. I'll still be way cute, but I will be a BIG brother too!"



A Love Affair with Paper

Ok I realize this makes me slightly obsessive and a tad OCD but I love all things organizational and paper related.  As a child, school supplies we my most favorite thing.  Nothing like freshly sharpened pencils and cracking a fresh notebook, right?! Ok, maybe that is just me.  But, you can't fault me for needing  wanting an o so sassy way to keep my meal plans, work plans, yoga, budget stuff, date nights (what are those?), Porter stuff all in one place.  So, upon examining one of my other obsessions, blogs (particularly blogs that have to do with DIY house decorating or organization), I discovered Erin Condren  and her super popular "life planner".  She is a girl after my own heart.  She gets to sit around and design paper and school supplies (among other things) all.day.long! Wish I knew that job existed when I was little! But I love her bright, airy and personalized style.  SO, I obsessed about it for about a week and then dove in and ordered it. I love the family picture and the laminated cover with our names on it.  So cute!  Hey, this busy mama has to keep it all together in style!

Due Dates: A Love/Hate Relationship

A year ago today was my due date with Porter.  As a first time mom, I was the typical "slave" to my due date.  I lived and breathed by it.  January 23.  I was certain I would have my baby around that date and I would most certainly have a January baby.  Heck, we almost had Neil's mom a Grandmothers ring made for Christmas with a garnet in it (January's birthstone) almost 6 weeks before the baby was even born! How silly I was!  But, it is/was an important day for me.  It was the day I learned to turn it over to something higher, I had to learn to trust my body, I was living on "borrowed" time after that.  I wasn't very good at it.  I did exactly what I was told not to do.  I waited for my baby.  And waited. And waited some more.  I got overwhelmed, frustrated and got totally "over" being pregnant.  After all, the calender did say the 23rd yet.  Now, my baby was "late" (and nobody wants a late baby, especially a 7 day late baby, those must come out). Well, that isn't a very positive way to round out a very healthy, successful pregnancy.  Our midwife told me to stop thinking about it. Stop anticipating.  Just be.  Easier said than done for this type-A, first time mom.  Strangely enough, I had a "full circle" moment about two weeks ago in yoga that strangely paralleled this very situation.

In my previous post I mentioned my love for Bikram yoga.  This particular type of yoga is the same 26 postures each time, eventually, you memorize their order and it is really easy to just go through the motions.  The teacher stopped the class though and said that the hardest thing for us to do is to stop anticipating. Stop thinking about the upcoming posture and live in the current one.  She told us to stop anticipating each move and let her do all the thinking.  Yoga is too hard if you have to think during it too.  So just release it over to the teacher, concentrate on that is being said and live in the moment, not anticipate the future, even if it is just around the corner. Hmmm...... easier said than done. At that moment,  I realized.... I really suck  at living in the moment!  It is really hard for me.  It is my nature to plan, prepare and then...... wait.  Same for yoga, same with birth.

Now, I like to refer to due dates as what they are.... approximations. Nothing more.  An ish if you will.  I joke with our midwife that I don't want to know a "due date" for our next baby.  Something along the lines of "the end of (insert month here)" will do.  It causes to much anxiety and disappointment in your body.  I like to trust that God, my body and my baby know exactly when they are supposed to come Earth side. There is nothing "wrong" with me or my body.  There is something wrong with being forced into the same 280 day gestational calendar, a blanketed number of days that is somehow (supposed to be) gospel for every single woman.  We are all different, our cycles are all different, ovulation one offs happen.  Your body knows this and plans accordingly.  I'm not saying induction is never necessary, it is just used far to frequently under the guise of a big or late baby. 

I had a 8 lb. 5 oz. perfect baby at 42 weeks on the nose.  I had a February baby..... much to my chagrin.  I rejected all invasive interventions (no stripping of my membranes) as I passed my due date, but I tried (almost) everything else.  Teas, walking, sex, rode around in our Wrangler, massaged labor inducing points etc.   I never thought that I would have a February baby.  As a "last" effort, I sought an acupuncturist to stimulate labor.  She put the first needle-thing (like the technical term??!) in my back and said "baby is not ready. Stop forcing him. He will be born on Saturday.  If I am wrong, come back Monday, but I don't think I am." I left frustrated.  But, Friday night I went into labor and sure enough, he was born Saturday afternoon. A little, perfect Aquarian. 

I used my due date as a deadline, when it was nothing more that a fun date to mark "around" the end of my pregnancy.  Don't  misunderstand, I don't HATE due dates totally,  they serve a purpose, a barometer if you will. I just don't like them being so concrete. I like celebrating every day, even though I may not be the best at it. I don't like the idea that we as mothers should be consumed by them instead of the perfect rhythm of our bodies. I hope to trust that rhythm easier in the next pregnancy.  Porter wasn't late. He was right on time and he knew so all along and now, so do I.

Laboring, Saurday Feb 6th



See... perfect in every way!



Maybe two minutes old

First family picture..... I am looking a bit rough but I love it!



The Middle Ground and Mommy Guilt

Becoming a parent for me was not just about, well, being a parent, it was about teaching myself a whole new skill set, a whole new approach to life. I have been introduced to a fantastic “natural birth community” here in the East Valley. This is a horse of a different color for me. It is not the type of parents/role models I grew up with or place I ever thought I’d land. I am SO glad that I did though. It has changed how I look at my entire life.


Let me first say, this disclaimer, this NOT a knock on my mother, my father or any person in my family or ANY of my friends in any way. At all. Period. These are merely facts that led me down the path that I am currently on. No hurt feelings intended.

When I started looking into the natural community I certainly was no activist, I knew nothing and in fact considered nothing in regards to birth and parenting. I thought like lots of people think. You get pregnant, you see a doctor, you register at Babies ‘R’ Us for a ton of stuff (crap), have the baby and go on home to stumble through raising your child, most the times along the lines of how you were raised yourself. ‘Nuff said, right? Wrong. I pretty much went the opposite way. And sometimes it is harder than I thought.

In the natural community, words like baby wearing, genital integrity, exclusive breast feeding, attachment parenting, cloth diapering, co sleeping and nursing in public are as common. These are concepts I’d never heard of before. They are as common place as cribs, monitors, Pampers, bottles and bouncy seats are in the more “mainstream” baby-having community. In my world, my mother is/was WAY more on the mainstream side in terms of “baby-having”. She had me at 21. There was not a lot of money back in those days. Her and my father struggled in a bad, early 80’s economy in MI, while being newly married and my mother trying to finish college. I did get cloth diapered for a period of time, not for the environments sake, for money’s sake. My mom HATES the idea of breast feeding. Just not for her. She doesn’t want anything on her body like that, it grosses her out. So I got evaporated milk and Karo syrup. (I know it sounds terrible now, but it was common place back then, I guess.) My siblings were formula fed. (and with the exception of ear issues, very healthy) My mom was 2 weeks late with all 3 of us. She had a natural childbirth with me (for lack of better option, not on purpose), and has nothing good to say about it. She was induced, 8 years later with my sister and again with my brother. She was Pitocin and epidurals all the way. We all slept through the night by 6 weeks old, since we got cereal in our bottles. We all had every single recommended vaccination. My brother was circumcised, of course.

I know my natural community friends are banging their heads on something just from reading this. But, I hesitate to say anything too bad about it. My mother made those choices because she thought they were best at the time. She made a lot of them based upon Dr.’s recommendations, how she was brought up, what was popular for the time, (all this was 27, 19, and 17 years ago). So if you are judging, don’t. I don’t believe she ever meant to make careless, reckless choices regarding her children’s health. That much I do know. She has always put that at the fore front, the best she knew how, the best she was shown herself. Most of our friends and family members had babies the exact same way. It was commonplace.

So that is my background, the world I come from, most of which still applies today’s current mainstream baby community. So, imagine my initial shock upon entering a more natural based setting. Now, mind you, I have always been “off the beaten path” a bit myself. A black sheep, so to speak. But, when it comes to having babies, it is easiest to revert back to what you know. Which is what I did…..at first. When I found my natural community, I felt at home and at peace. I “fit in” better than I had in any group in a long time. The priorities in my life were changing and it paralleled and fit perfectly into this awesome group of people I was introduced to. This is how I want to be, I thought to myself after settling into this new "group". I love, love, love the people that I have met. Love them. I seriously know the best group of mommies (and Daddies) ever. They are inspirational for me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the ideas and guidance given to me by those that parent from a different place. It is great to be around people that are so different, yet share a common thread. This place isn’t necessarily better than how I was raised, it just works better for our family. Suits our granola-ish ways in a more fulfilling manner .

But I still struggle. Doing the ever seductive striving for perfection dance, I still wrestle with not being all the way there. (where is there?....you may ask. You know, that all natural, cloth diapering, breast feeding, baby wearing, activist, always kind, involved parent place) I strive to get there. And yes, the better part of me knows that this magical place called “there” may be a mystery place conjured up solely for the purposes of fostering mommy guilt and self doubt. But hey, we all have that little voice I think. Teaching this old dog (meaning me) new tricks, really is hard. It has taken a personality overhaul. One that was necessary, wanted and appreciated, but the inner battle still rages on.

This whole concept of parenting has changed my life really. It is called attachment style parenting, I guess, if I have to group it. (which I hate to do, I see everyone as individuals for the most part)  I wouldn’t say that I am all the way there or into it. I have read plenty of stories about "attachment style" mothers that haven’t left their children to have a date night with their husbands for years or taken an afternoon for themselves. And I get it, that that works for them, and I can totally see why. For me, I need more balance. I like going to happy hour with my husband occasionally, I enjoyed our over night trip to San Diego when he was 4.5 mo old and we left him for one night with my mother in law. I liked it at 9 weeks old, my husband was able to give our son a bottle of expressed breast milk so I could sleep more every once in awhile (I had issues nursing) since I was in my office by 8 AM every morning. At 5 months old, he took to a binky and it has saved us since. I used a guard while nursing and it got me through many a rough night. I couldn’t figure out my Moby wrap and felt like the biggest idiot ever. And the biggest one……. I weaned my son at almost 8 mo and put him on formula. Not because I hated nursing, I miss it a lot, in fact. I hated being tied to a pump. Pumping 3X a day meant less work time and an overall increase in time spent (away from my baby) at the office to make up the work. So, I stopped. And avoided my natural community for a solid month or so out of embarrassment. (which was totally stupid, of all people these mommies would understand) My Facebook page flooded when the Similac recall happened (none of this directed specifically at me at all, just general information when it happened) with article upon article discussing how disgusting, bug infested formula is and how second rate it is  to breast milk.  The perfection seeking mother I am felt like a second rate mom. I don’t want to give my son formula, but nursing became a chore not a joy. Hooking myself up to a machine, stressing about how many ounces I was getting, while dealing with everything else I dealt with this year (see previous post), so I made a choice. It was a hard one. It is hard to make these choices not only as a parent, but a parent in uncharted territory. Most of the above paragraph doesn’t enter in to a truly attachment style parent. Nobody else in my family struggles with such issues and sometimes I am jealous of that. Sometimes succumbing to Johnson & Johnson, Gerber and Huggies is….gulp…. easier. Sigh…..even though I hate the idea of being that mom too.

I have started to read blogs and articles since I have had Porter in an effort to find my way through this foreign concept of parenting.   I love 90% of attachment style parenting. We tend to parent in that in between area. Mostly natural. We don’t vaccinate, we did circumcise. We co-slept for 6 mo (and loved it), now he is in his crib. I make all his food, I love to wear him when he lets me. I am a huge birth advocate and try not to get on my soap box about that. (but I probably do anyways, sorry) I am passionate about midwifery, natural remedies and natural births. I feel proud when I read my natural mommy friends’ Facebook posts taking a stand for reproductive rights, breastfeeding education, healthy living and naturalism. I envy them, though I know I shouldn’t. I envy their knowledge, conviction and tenacity. Man, the middle ground is tough sometimes.

Now in my world, I have, on occasion given Porter Tylenol, let him cry for 5 minutes at night, fed him Gerber brand oatmeal and used the dye free baby Johnson and Johnson’s I got at my baby shower. Herein lies the rub. I feel guilty admitting that much of this is out of convenience. I have worked so hard to break lots of cycles in my short time as a parent, but I am not all the way there. I read a blog post today about checking your anger and realizing that your children will react the way you do in their own situations. This self awareness is not a piece I grew up with. I have written about being the change you want to see. I have written about being more kind. And it is VERY important and I meant every word. I not only have to learn how to be a good parent, I sort of have to learn how to be a better version of myself, the person who was in there all along. You see, this suits me, I just have to trust it, practice it, live it. I have to retrain many of my thoughts and habits. Easier said than done.

I am so grateful that I found this perspective and even more grateful I know a community of people I can dialogue about it with, but there is still a guilt piece there. I don’t want to be judged or looked down on and that fear is paralyzing sometimes. It is hard to even admit it exists. And the worst part is, it is all in my head. I know that the people I have met, my Blogger friends, many members of my family, my husband are all there to encourage me and watch me grow as a mother. I know that. It is my own inner dialogue. A place of doubt you go when you are in unfamiliar surroundings, but thankfully mine get more and more familiar every day.

So I am letting myself off the hook. I am going to just do my best and take what works for us and leave the rest. I am going to put my insecurities to bed (or try to) and know that I am in fact, a good mom, and I am still learning. This is why I started this blog; as a documentation of the growing pains of being a parent. I want Porter to know that I think of him every second of every day. That I never made any choices lightly, that I am human and fallible. That I still have insecurities and flaws and want to be loved in spite of them, the same way I will love my son in spite of his. I am glad that parenthood has given me a giant mirror that reflects back the opportunity to be and create whatever I want for myself and my family. It is freeing and I feel liberated. Long time coming I'd say. I am excited for what the future holds. So thank you to new and old friends, to ever present, supportive family, my caring husband and angelic son. I am not the girl I once was, I am just me now. And that is plenty, I think.

Neil's Anniversary Present

My husband is a great gift giver.  He is so thoughtful and even sometimes extravagant.  That works well for us since I tend to be more reserved and conservative.  In our two short years together, he has certainly done some really nice things for me.  From surprise diamond earrings at Christmas to a surprise belly cast, done when I was 41 weeks pregnant and tired, just because, to make me feel better about my body. Pretty sweet, huh? It isn't the material-ness that means the most, not at all. It is the creativity and the thought.  I have gotten countless cards, flowers, notes, trips and tickets.  Most of these were, as I like to call it PK-PH (pre-kids, pre-houses), when we had much more disposable income than we have now. Man, those days were nice, but I wouldn't change how it is today for anything. We have absolutely everything we need, we are blessed.  But, now times are a bit tighter and I think I got my most thoughtful gift of all. 

Originally, we planned on taking our honeymoon on or one year anniversary.  You see, we did things a wee bit backwards.  First came love, then came baby, then came marriage, then came multiple mortgages, job changes and major unexpected expenses.  Sooooo, instead we bought appliances for the house and stuck local.  My mother in law was gracious enough to fly in and watch Porter and Neil and I got a night away at a hotel that we got a 60% discount on.  When it came to gifts, I wanted it cheap and simple..... nothing extravagant, I told him. So, he went the thoughtful route and it meant the world to me.

Neil stuck to "tradition" with typical Neil flair. It started with a  bouquet of carnations.  Red, pink and white.  Inside the card read.....

 

I Love you! I look forward to spending anniversary after anniversary with you.  Carnations are the traditional flowers of first anniversaries, their scientific name "Dianthus", means flowers of God. That is because you are my goddess.  Dark red mean deep love & affection, white are for pure love & good luck, pink symbolizes a mother's undying love.  Love Always, Neil

Then I got a small, brown leather bound notebook and card number two.  Inside, the card read....

The traditional first anniversary gift is paper. Really?! What am I supposed to do with that? I thought hard and I hope you like what I came up with.  I'll be with you through anything. 

Love, Neil

Inside the leather bound notebook, on the first page he wrote.....

For our anniversary I want to make it easy for you to help me pull my weight around the house. Just look at all the lists you can make for me!

Turn Page, and he wrote

I also would like to offer you these as well:

• one foot massage
• one load of dishes
• one load of laundry
• one bathroom cleaning
• one home cooked dinner
• one night off to go out
• an hour of undivided attention (no football)
• a massage (professional)
•  pedicure
• a whole second page to fill up yourself

        I Love you

Fast forward to checking into the hotel.  There I was presented card number 3.  The other "traditional" first anniversary gift is clocks.  So I got a small box, with an inexpensive fashion-type watch and in the card he wrote.....

I will love you until the end of time.  When I am by myself and I think about the fact that you are my wife and it still makes me smile uncontrollably.

Always, Neil

Then I got another hard bound, larger green notebook and the final card #4.  And in the card he wrote....

I love our life.  I want us to give each other a gift.  When we wrote our vows last year we had no idea what it was like to be married. Now we do and I want to make new vows to you. New vows with you based on the experience and knowledge of actually being married.

Thankfully Yours, Neil

Open the notebook, and on the first page reads....

For us to share in good times and bad, to share our hopes and fears and convey our needs and gratitude.

Neil's idea here was to use the traditional gift of paper and use it as a journal or sorts for the two of us.  A place to write notes, fears, even anger and communicate respectfully with one another throughout year two.  Starting with a new set of vows and promises for the coming year.  A place to come back to to re-evaluate our priorities whenever we need to. To keep us honest, fresh, romantic.  I love it.

I cannot tell you how meaningful and thoughtful I found his gifts to me.  For very little money he was able to give me a really romantic, refreshing, inspirational anniversary.  I feel really honored and lucky to be his wife. My true life started the day I met him.  I am so excited about our future!  Hopefully, God willing, it brings as many babies, blessings, and memories as great as our first year.  I think this was the best gift I ever got.

The whole thing. Lovely. Perfect. Heartfelt.

Paper+Clocks+Carnations= Perfect 1st Anniversary



First Anniversary

October 17th was our First Anniversary!  Whew, we have been busy bees this last year.  From the time we got engaged to our first anniversary we have done the following: (and this is just the BIG stuff!)

• bought house #1-closed about 10 days after we got engaged- May
• got pregnant- 2 weeks after we got engaged. Best. happiest. "accident". ever.- May
• planned a wedding 2000 miles away in SC-but it turned out lovely-June
• Neil lost his father in July, 3 mo before our wedding, so sad
• got married on the lake in SC- Oct
• switched from traditional OB care to planned homebirth-best choice ever-Nov
• Neil got a new job (and raise:), one which we were going to relocate back to SC after the baby-Nov
• baby boy Smith (otherwise known as Porter) born at 42 weeks, Feb 6
• Trying to organize/pack for cross country move with newborn/2 dogs/3 cars and house-Feb/Mar
• I went back to work after my maternity leave- which we didn't plan on but stuff happens :( April
• Rented out our perfect house #1, our 5 bed 3.5 bath house in anticipation of the move-May
• Job opening in Neil's field came open at MY company, Neil interviewed, got position-May
• Change of plans, not we are NOT moving, staying in AZ, now working for same company-May
• Already rented house, so have to scramble to pick out, buy and close on much smaller house #2-June
• move into said house, put unanticipated money, time and energy into getting it livable-July
• unpacking, decorating, working on the new house while raising new baby, but LOVE the house and smaller mortgage-Aug
• all this mixed with, holidays, hormones, vacations to visit family, buying a new car, countless things falling through, stumbling through new parenthood, family drama, lots of laughs, tears, wine, and memories. whew. what an amazing year!

Needless to say, we are ready for a break! It has been crazy, but it has been worth it.  In the end, we made it.  Things are starting to calm down and level off.  We are hoping for a much more mellow year two.  I don't think that I could have made it through it without my amazing husband.  We both we a bit older when we got married and had been through other serious relationships, heartbreaks, bad choices and when we met we just knew.  I think that we have a great love story.  I truly was swept off my feet and we have had set backs and leaps forward, but in the end I married the most amazing man ever.  I love being married and being a mom.  I finally feel comfortable with myself and I owe it all to my family.  I am blessed and thankful.



Dinner in Charleston, night before we got engaged




Day we got engaged, shopping at Folly Beach

Mr. Mom

Yesterday was quite a day in the Smith Family household! Our regular babysitter’s daughter was sick and had a slight fever, so at the last minute we had to scurry to figure out what we were going to do with P-man for the day. I wasn’t feeling well on Monday and had been out of the office, so it wasn’t a good day for me to be off.

Sooooo Neil to the rescue! He packed up his laptop, came by my work to grab Porter and away they went. Neil decided to work from home, problem solved. Ok, ok, so I will be honest…… I learned yesterday that I have an “inflated” view of myself as a mama. (who me?) I think I am super mom (not really, but for arguments sake…) I automatically assume that the house will be a mess, I’d get a TON of “how do I do this? How do I do that?” phone calls and I would come home to a stressed out, irritated husband. Not that Neil doesn’t spend time or do just as much as I do, he totally does. But ALL day, alone, while trying to work, now that is different. Plus, my inflated mama ego thought that some things just needed a “mother’s touch”. And I would understand if he were frazzled…. Heck I have had those days! Sounds about right for him to feel that way…. Right? WRONG!

Neil took him home, played with him, kept up with work emails, fed him his bottles, Porter took not one but two 1-2 hr naps. Neil even survived a huge, epic, diaper blowout after Porter had his lunch. He wasn’t even frazzled. He had me laughing so hard describing the situation. What?! Later, when my phone rang at work, I thought “uh-oh… here we go…” and instead I got a cheery husband on the other end of the phone. “What are you doing?” I ask. “Oh, me and the boy are out running errands? Do you need anything?”… Porter happily chirping “da da da” in the back. Ummmm what?! That’s why you called?! I can barely get groceries done and gas in the car the days I stay home. And the days I do “run errands” I usually get the stage 4 meltdown in the middle of Target. Especially if I am working too! But Neil went to the bank, post office, and grocery store. He made it home for Porter’s afternoon bottle and nap. Oh, and did I mention he did all this after doing the dishes and putting 2 roasts in the crock pot for dinner? (which were delicious by the way) To top that off, he and Porter headed to the gym in the late afternoon so Neil could get his workout in and Porter could play with the kids at the gym for an hour.

So, let’s re-cap. My "Mr. Mom",  for a day was able to shower AND get dressed in non sweat like clothes, work, do dishes, put pot roasts in for dinner, play/engage Porter, keep him fed/happy/clean, got him to nap good and got a work out in. Hmmmmm, something is wrong with this picture! Where was my frazzled hubby? He was working out, hanging out and appreciating time with his boy. How awesome!

I feel really lucky to have the husband I have. He is an AMAZING father. He sings to him, plays, and tells him about football. He bathes him almost every night to give me a break and talks constantly about how beautiful he is and how he is his pride and joy. Neil wants more babies.... yesterday. And lots of them. He calls it blissful insanity. Isn’t that great?! I am really blessed with him. He can’t wait to coach little league, help with math homework and go to football games. He tells me all the time that he pretty much has everything he could ever want and this is his dream life. (crazy huh?) He was super involved in pregnancy (my birth-y friends can attest to this one :) too. In fact, he took the book A Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth on the plane with him during a business trip, simply because he felt it had better information!! Ha, ha too funny! In all seriousness though, I couldn't have gotten through pregnancy and new motherhood without him.

In this day in age of absent fathers or fathers who cannot connect with their children, Porter is really a lucky boy. His dad will always be there for him and is constantly trying to be a better example and leader. I don’t think Neil will be able to be “Mr. Mom” full time unless we win the lotto or buy more houses, but he really did a great job yesterday. I appreciate him stepping up when our family needed him. I find new things to love about him every day. He really is a great father and husband. Turns out, “Mr. Mom’s” father’s touch is what saved the day!

Be The Change You Want To See.....

I have thought about writing this post for a few days now. It has taken me that long to simmer and think about what I want to say. I have read several articles and blog posts, and now that I am a parent, it becomes much more relevant, but I thought far enough off in time that I wouldn’t think about it.

Bullying.

Sigh. Big sigh. I didn’t expect the subject matter to get under my skin so much. But it did. For me, bullying was not very much of an issue in my life. I have, however, always had self esteem issues, bullying… not so much. In middle school, there was a scary, super tall girl at least two grades ahead of me that kinda terrorized me, but that didn’t last long. I had to think about it to even remember it. I wasn’t exempt from being embarrassed or picked on, but it all existed within the realm of normal growing pains. Example: I was a 34D by the time I was in 7th grade, while this may seem enviable, I can assure you at 13 yrs old, I was embarrassed and resented my breasts for calling that kind of harassing attention. But again, nothing major. I never really realized till now how fortunate I was in that regard. I wasn’t really bullied, but I was NEVER a bully either. I am sure many people will roll their eyes when they read this part, but I guess I was kind of on the “top” (not that I believe that this is a real place to be mind you) of the social food chain, per se. I was super outgoing and pretty popular, not the most popular, but those people were usually close friends of mine. I was a cheerleader, on homecoming court, student council, a straight A student. I drove a two year old car when I turned 16, I was a debutante, my parents were wealthy and my house had 6 bathrooms in it. Are you puking yet? It’s ok, I probably would too. Trust me, I am not that girl anymore, she has been gone for about 10 years now. Ok….. maybe not gone, but evolved, much more self aware and self made. I was probably snobby, yes, but never a bully. (again another thing that has been somewhat self corrected…. Hopefully :) I guess maybe I didn’t possess the “typical” characteristics of those that are bullied or more that I knew the “right” people. It was never a part of my awareness or social setting. I was lucky. Boy was I lucky.


In my adult life, I am much less bold and more on the outskirts. Life events have turned me into someone MUCH less confident. I struggled (and still do) with finding myself and figuring out what I want out of my life. I am often somewhere in the middle. Currently, that middle place deals with family/kids and is between mainstream and “crunchy.” I am not extreme on either one, probably a little more crunchy. I can appreciate a traditional and more progressive family structure, again I like the middle. Sometimes I wish I was more one way or another, more black and white. I exist in the shades of gray and I am working on appreciating that about myself.


It occurred to me that Neil and I serve our son on mostly basic physical and emotional needs. We comfort him when he is crying, which is usually due to being tired, hungry, wet or in pain (took a tumble, incoming teeth etc.) . We have not yet had to comfort him because someone didn’t want to be his friend or pushed him down. Now, there are few things I know for sure, but I know that Neil and I are good parents…. for now. Our world revolves around our boy. We do everything, would give anything to make sure that he is happy, healthy and safe. That is all we have had to do so far, and so far we have succeeded beyond our expectations. Our reward: a happy, healthy, active, jovial, affectionate ray of sunshine. Blessings abound.


This week, after watching news stories of children killing themselves and reading articles on the subject, I started to wonder….. what if my son is a bully? I don’t think parents of all bullies set out to raise their children to have self hate in their hearts, perhaps those parents hate themselves. I dunno, but I wonder. What if Porter is bullied? How will I create an environment that he knows he can come to Neil and I about anything and that we will always love him? Furthermore, how will I teach him to love himself, stand up for himself and have the courage to defend those weaker? How can I/we teach him to be a good man? Someone sensitive but not a sissy, confident but not arrogant, secure in his beliefs yet open minded. How will I do that? My new favorite blog, Single Dad Laughing ( I HIGHLY recommend this for anyone, top picks, You Just Broke your Kid, Congratulations and Memoirs of a Bullied Kid, read them you won’t regret it) talks about his experiences as a parent and his childhood, which was riddled with pretty severe bullying. Neil and I have discussed these at length and it is becoming more apparent that children become what you do not what you say. Both of us being stubborn hot heads…… have some work to do. Gulp. Yes that’s right, we need to be actual grown ups. Gulp again.


I think the best approach that I can take, as a parent (and wife), is to become a kinder, more self-actualized, forgiving person myself. Forgiving of myself as well as forgiving of others. I need to be more real, my children (God willing) do not need perfection from me, they need guidance. I will fail, inevitably, but it is how I pick back up that is important. Tiny eyes are watching. I never thought about the awesomeness of that particular responsibility. I am (as is Neil) on the permanent watch of the little people we have in our house. We will teach them, not just with our words, but more so in our actions. I feel it is my duty to the world to do everything in my power to make sure I turn out good hearted, contributing children.


I thought for days about how I can do this, what parent books I could read, or talk to the mothers I admire (Stephanie, Rose, Tatiana, my Grandma, Aunt Kristen, Step mom, Mother in Law…. to name a few). Then it dawned on me. They would only tell me what worked for them. And just as I am not a carbon copy of them, my family isn’t either. I would get advice, not answers. So, the largest part is on me and of course my husband. I must be a kinder hearted person. I must be more sensitive, confident not arrogant, secure but open minded. I’ll have to love myself more so that I have more to give. If I want my kids to make the world a better place, I need to have the same expectation of myself. What can I do to show them? To teach them not tell them. While this may seem like a fairly easy concept to grasp, I never thought about it with as much seriousness as I do now. Children are dying, taking their own lives and crying alone in terror. Will one of them be mine? I sure as hell hope not. I’m sure many of these have parents of these children that have died loved them, would do anything for them…. How will I make sure that I am different? I’m not sure that I can 100%. And that terrifies me. But it is my mission to try my heart out.


I have read the following paragraphs about ten times. From Single Dad Laughing, “You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations” I have gone back over and over it the last few days and read them. This resonates with me. I replace the word “dads” with “parents”.


(from Single Dad Laughing...)


Dads. It's time to show our sons how to properly treat a woman. It's time to show our daughters how a girl should expect be treated. It's time to show forgiveness and compassion. It's time to show our children empathy. It's time to break social norms and teach a healthier way of life! It's time to teach good gender roles and to ditch the unnecessary ones. Does it really matter if your son likes the color pink? Is it going to hurt anybody? Do you not see the damage it inflicts to tell a boy that there is something wrong with him because he likes a certain color? Do we not see the damage we do in labeling our girls "tom boys" or our boys "feminine" just because they have their own likes and opinions on things? Things that really don't matter?


Dads. Speak softly to your sons. Speak calmly to your daughters. Who do you want your child to be? Do you want him to be the kid at school that sits by himself with absolutely no friends or self esteem? Or do you want him to be the kid running for class office and feeling like he deserves to win it? Do we not see that we have the power to give that to our children? Do we not see that we have the power to teach our children the tools of societal survival?


Dads. Do we not see the influence we have when we say we believe in one thing, but our children see us living something else? Do we not realize how little we encourage our children to actually decide what they believe, declare what they believe, and then live by it? Whether it's religion, politics, sports, or societal norms. It is not our place to tell our kids what to think. It is our place to teach our kids to think correctly. If we do this, we need have no fear of what they will decide for themselves and how strongly they'll stand behind it. A man will follow his own convictions to his death, but he'll only follow another man's convictions until he steps in manure.


This is how I want to parent. I want to teach so that my children are led by their hearts and their own convictions. I am going to serve as a humble leader/example while they are in my house, but eventually, they will fly away. I NEED to know that I have done the things listed in these paragraphs. It will be the crowing achievement of my life. If I can manage this, my children will not be part of the bullied or bullies themselves. Furthermore, they will be brave and have courage to stand up for what is right not what is popular. Who knows….. by standing up once for someone being picked on, my children could potentially be saving a child by sharing the light of their kindness. Giving someone else worth and validation that they do exist and that they do matter. That is all anyone wants, really. It is becoming increasingly apparent that this behavior is so desperately needed, children are dying, bringing guns to school and killing themselves. This is important. The answer lies in us.


Even in adulthood, I am continuing to learn you need to give to get and in the end only kindness matters. People will forget what you say but not how you made them feel. What prompted me to write this was the SDL, post “Memoirs of a Bullied Kid.” I read this section and immediately teared up at the raw truth and realized my responsibility to my son’s mental/emotional health.


I am going on thirty-one years old. I have spent the second half of my life studying self-esteem, self-love, and self-mastery. In the last several years, I have been blessed with the perspective to look back at those "horrible" years, and realize that the bullying I was receiving was simply the symptom of the bullying that the bullies were receiving in their own lives, whether it was their family, other bullies, or the "Perfection" going on around them. You see, I've learned one universal truth. People who love themselves, don't hurt other people. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer. Every bully that bullied me (and by the end of junior high there were at least a dozen of them) was a desperate and hurting individual. The victim of something going on around them. A soul that was probably crying in solitude as often as I was, even if the crying was silent.


And so, I will ask you now to not hate the bullies. Experience tells me that hating them, or being angry with them, will always make it worse. Instead, put your arm around them. Love them. Tell them that they are valuable. Tell them that you expect great things from them. They will stop the bullying. They will stop, because they will start to love themselves. And people who love themselves don't bully others.


And with the bullies, it's really that simple. If they actually believe that somebody loves them and believes in them, they will love themselves, they will become better people, and many will even become saviors to the bullied.


If you are a parent to a child who is less than kind to other kids, I'd very much suggest you read my post from last week, You just broke your child. Congratulations. In fact, every parent should read it. As much as we may not want to mentally go there, a lot of the problem may lie in us. If the problem doesn't, the solution does. We all must understand that we have the obligation, as parents, to help our kids love themselves.


Now, let's talk about the bullied. If you haven't noticed, it's not generally the bullies that are killing themselves, slaughtering their schoolmates, or building bombs in their bedrooms. It's the bullied that are doing that. And my heart literally is pounding through my chest right now because I know just how easy it would have been to prevent most of these incidents. I also know all too well, the consuming thoughts that constantly go through the minds of the bullied.


Please.


So many kids would still be alive right now, if somebody, anybody, would have done something. So many beautiful, incredible, wonderful souls would still be walking among us if somebody, anybody, would have done something.


And what is that something that you and I must do?


Part of the answer is a mother putting her arm around her daughter over and over again, until she is not able to keep from telling the truth about why she is sad, quiet, or angry.


Part of the answer is a father starting a fun project or taking his son fishing for some one on one time. Enough hours under the hood of a car or on the bank of a river will always bring out desperate truths.


Part of the answer is a grandfather taking his grandchild out for ice cream and simply asking how the other kids treat her at school. For some reason, good grandparents can usually cut straight to the point.


Part of the answer is a teacher doing more than simply telling the bullies to stop. The answer is a warm hand on her pupil's shoulder, a listening ear, warm words of importance, and then finding a reason for the child to come back the next day, and the next, until that child knows that his presence is cherished.


Part of the answer is a youth director dedicating an entire night to the topic of bullying, and what each child can do when they are the ones being bullied, what to do if they see people being bullied, or what they can change if they realize that they themselves are guilty of bullying others.


And while each of those small parts of the answer are crucial, there is one big part to the answer.


Peers. Classmates. Fellow pupils. Did you know that you each have more power over healing the bullied and the bullies than anyone on earth. More than their parents. More than their religious leaders. More than their teachers. The majority of the answer lies in you, and it's simple.


The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the kid who just got bullied and telling her, "don't listen to those guys. My friends and I are always talking about how awesome you are."


The answer is as simple as you having the courage to then invite her to sit with you at lunch. And it will take courage.


The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the bully, and in private telling him that you don't understand why he's doing that, because you always thought he was a bigger person than that.


The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the bully, and in private ask her if she's had a rough day. Care about her. Tell her you were wondering because of the way she was treating your classmate, and you feel she may be misunderstood. You will be amazed what you will learn.


The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the boy who just got shoved or tripped and asking him if there is anything you can do to help him. You see, just knowing that you care will plant seeds for his own courage to blossom.


The answer is as simple as you.


The answer is as simple as you having the courage.


Do you have courage like that? I hope so. I don't want to see any more kids die……


This concept has had a profound impact on me and the way I intend to parent. Thank goodness I can work on myself for a bit before Porter reaches an age when we may have to deal with such things. “…I have leaned one universal truth. People that love themselves don’t hurt other people.” This struck me to the core. This is my truth and my lesson. To love more and hurt less. To be more kind and to have more courage. God has blessed me with an angel in baby boy form and I owe it to him. I owe him my best and I have to try and try hard. I will need to take personal accountability for many things I have not wanted to. I will need to heal. But this is my blessing. My family has humbled me into these discoveries and makes me love them even more. It is out of love for them that I am pushed beyond my previous notions of what a parent “should” be. So I’ll put the challenge out to everyone who may be gracious enough to read this far. Be kinder than necessary. Be intentional. Say nice things. Hug a child. Forgive yourself. Try harder. Make someone else’s day better, everyday. Maybe we all have some healing to do.


“Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves. “


-James M. Barrie