Due Dates: A Love/Hate Relationship

A year ago today was my due date with Porter.  As a first time mom, I was the typical "slave" to my due date.  I lived and breathed by it.  January 23.  I was certain I would have my baby around that date and I would most certainly have a January baby.  Heck, we almost had Neil's mom a Grandmothers ring made for Christmas with a garnet in it (January's birthstone) almost 6 weeks before the baby was even born! How silly I was!  But, it is/was an important day for me.  It was the day I learned to turn it over to something higher, I had to learn to trust my body, I was living on "borrowed" time after that.  I wasn't very good at it.  I did exactly what I was told not to do.  I waited for my baby.  And waited. And waited some more.  I got overwhelmed, frustrated and got totally "over" being pregnant.  After all, the calender did say the 23rd yet.  Now, my baby was "late" (and nobody wants a late baby, especially a 7 day late baby, those must come out). Well, that isn't a very positive way to round out a very healthy, successful pregnancy.  Our midwife told me to stop thinking about it. Stop anticipating.  Just be.  Easier said than done for this type-A, first time mom.  Strangely enough, I had a "full circle" moment about two weeks ago in yoga that strangely paralleled this very situation.

In my previous post I mentioned my love for Bikram yoga.  This particular type of yoga is the same 26 postures each time, eventually, you memorize their order and it is really easy to just go through the motions.  The teacher stopped the class though and said that the hardest thing for us to do is to stop anticipating. Stop thinking about the upcoming posture and live in the current one.  She told us to stop anticipating each move and let her do all the thinking.  Yoga is too hard if you have to think during it too.  So just release it over to the teacher, concentrate on that is being said and live in the moment, not anticipate the future, even if it is just around the corner. Hmmm...... easier said than done. At that moment,  I realized.... I really suck  at living in the moment!  It is really hard for me.  It is my nature to plan, prepare and then...... wait.  Same for yoga, same with birth.

Now, I like to refer to due dates as what they are.... approximations. Nothing more.  An ish if you will.  I joke with our midwife that I don't want to know a "due date" for our next baby.  Something along the lines of "the end of (insert month here)" will do.  It causes to much anxiety and disappointment in your body.  I like to trust that God, my body and my baby know exactly when they are supposed to come Earth side. There is nothing "wrong" with me or my body.  There is something wrong with being forced into the same 280 day gestational calendar, a blanketed number of days that is somehow (supposed to be) gospel for every single woman.  We are all different, our cycles are all different, ovulation one offs happen.  Your body knows this and plans accordingly.  I'm not saying induction is never necessary, it is just used far to frequently under the guise of a big or late baby. 

I had a 8 lb. 5 oz. perfect baby at 42 weeks on the nose.  I had a February baby..... much to my chagrin.  I rejected all invasive interventions (no stripping of my membranes) as I passed my due date, but I tried (almost) everything else.  Teas, walking, sex, rode around in our Wrangler, massaged labor inducing points etc.   I never thought that I would have a February baby.  As a "last" effort, I sought an acupuncturist to stimulate labor.  She put the first needle-thing (like the technical term??!) in my back and said "baby is not ready. Stop forcing him. He will be born on Saturday.  If I am wrong, come back Monday, but I don't think I am." I left frustrated.  But, Friday night I went into labor and sure enough, he was born Saturday afternoon. A little, perfect Aquarian. 

I used my due date as a deadline, when it was nothing more that a fun date to mark "around" the end of my pregnancy.  Don't  misunderstand, I don't HATE due dates totally,  they serve a purpose, a barometer if you will. I just don't like them being so concrete. I like celebrating every day, even though I may not be the best at it. I don't like the idea that we as mothers should be consumed by them instead of the perfect rhythm of our bodies. I hope to trust that rhythm easier in the next pregnancy.  Porter wasn't late. He was right on time and he knew so all along and now, so do I.

Laboring, Saurday Feb 6th



See... perfect in every way!



Maybe two minutes old

First family picture..... I am looking a bit rough but I love it!



11 Months.... where does the time go??!

Porter's Monthly Update: 11 Months

Date: January 6, 2011

Weight: 24 lb 3 oz.

Movement:  Um, yeah.  We are in full on walk mode!  He went from his teensy tiny steps last month to practically running in one month.  He is everywhere and he is quick!  He started off rusty turning around, now he is a pro.  He still falls quite a bit, but he walks 99% of the time.  Watch the progress for yourself!

Sleep:  Pretty good.  He is still in bed no later than 7:30.  Most nights a lil before that.  He still has his off nights, but he mostly stays down until 3-5, gets up for a quick bottle or diaper change and he is out till 6:30-7:15.  Still haven't quite got consistently through the night, but I am lucky that my husband is so helpful and understanding at night.  He does most the heavy lifting there!

Porter Loves: WALKING, dancing, peek-a-boo, our garbage can (gross I know), remote controls, cell phones, My Pal Scout (Seriously all parents need to get this), his pirate ship toy, throwing a fit when you take anything away from him, his new chair from Santa and Sophie is becoming a new/old favorite again, Nick Jr. (in VERY limited quantities,it is mostly for him and Neil to sing and giggle to for a few minutes, but he likes the songs)

Food:  He likes what we are eating and taking his own bites off our sandwiches.  He loves these all organic fruit roll up type things made by Cliff Bars for kids (but they are messy so he has to be in diaper only).  Pizza is still a favorite and he is eating more meat.  He seems less shy about textures.  He loves turkey and was very happy with the eats this holiday season.

Mood: Energetic and cranky, but still happy and precious.  He is FULL of personality and energy.  That being said, he has discovered his full range of emotions.  He can whine and cling to us, throw himself on the floor and kicks his feet when he doesn't get his way, let out a blood curdling scream to get our attention, and freak out, I mean FREAK out when you take something away.  But the vast majority of the time, he is still a happy, happy camper. But the times that he is not, we are seeing a full range of Porter's other side!  Sometimes it is cute.  The kid has crying/whining while smiling down pat.

Happy Highlight of the Month

Neil says.... Porter walking!  He started walking right after our last post.  I think Neil secretly thought he would walk by 8 months so this was a big deal! Now Porter will practically run to his Daddy when he walks in the door and they pal around playing with the pups.  His other favorite, drum roll please.... Porter finally saying "mama"! He says it to me, but mama is also lots of other things too.

Linsay Says.... the holidays.  We had Neil's mom here for 15 days and we got to do so much with family. She graciously babysat for us and Neil and I had back to back 4 day weekends so we were around more too.  We went to see Santa, went to Church, had great meals, spend time with Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and Grandparents.  Porter was really happy to spend so much time with his whole family.  He is so blessed that so very many people love him so much!

What We Miss

Neil Says......him not being so mischievous. He is into everything.  We are constantly having to re-direct.  And it seems like every time you turn around, it is "where did you get that?", "don't touch that",  " no, that is my work lap top."  It is hard to keep up with the lil guy!

Linsay Says...... Along with walking, we have had to majorly baby proof the house.  He was in the cabinets constantly, which has never been an issue.  So, we put child proof latches on all the cupboards.  He has since lost a lot of interest.  However, the one drawer he can still open... the one at the bottom of the stove.  There is no child safety lock for that! It crushes my toes while cooking (cause don't ya know the coolest spot to hang out when people are cooking, is right at their feet).  So I miss that. Cooking in peace and not having my toes smooshed!

What We are Looking Forward To

Neil Says.... Porter talking (is he nuts?!).  We have been doing some signing, not a ton, but I think Neil can't wait to communicate better with Porter.  Sometimes in Porter's fits,it is something specific that he wants and it will be better when he can communicate that.  And who doesn't want to hear that sweet voice say " love you  Daddy"!  It will be fun to watch that evolve.



Linsay Says.... his first haircut.  Yes, I know his hair is long.  It drives me crazy when it is in his eyes. However, I am part Eastern European and Neil is half Italian and we have a superstition/tradition that it is bad luck to cut a baby's hair before they are one old. So we have held off! Plus, I think after the first cut, they don't look like baby's anymore.  So, it will be bittersweet to see my boy with his big boy 'do! Also, planning his first birthday party! We are gonna keep it mellow.  A friends/family zoo trip and family party.  But still, SO close to being one! Neil is really, really excited for both of those milestones too. 

Porter's 11 Month Pictures



Porter and Santa



I'll take those Santa!



Helping Daddy with his stocking

SO happy to spend time with Uncle Kevin

What Porter woke up to..... spoiled much?!

Daddy got him his first set of golf clubs

Santa brought Porter his own chair

Porter, kicking back with his bottle. What a life!

Helping with house work

This is mine now.

Merry Christmas Mama!

Baby Wearing and My Newest Obsession!

I love baby wearing.  I really do.  It was a new concept for me, but I really embraced it.  I started with a Moby wrap, which is great for little babies and switched to the more convenient ring sling.  I still sling Porter when I am shopping sometimes and it is so easy.  He just chills out and looks around.  I think he likes being eye to eye with people, or closer, that is.  I think baby wearing will SAVE me when I have a second baby. It is the only way I got a lot of cleaning, laundry and house stuff done with Porter as a little baby.  Just strap them close to you and off you go! They like being in that close contact and the wraps make it comfortable. I try to stick with more natural products.  Items like Baby Bjorns and Infantino slings can be detrimental to developing joints. 

As Porter has gotten bigger and the weather cooler, I want to take up hiking as a family activity.  Since many trails are too bumpy for a stroller, I am DYING to get a Ergo.  They are sturdier, do back carries easily and good for bigger babies.  I especially like this one.  The Ergo Performance Carrier (in spring green of course:) that is made to be more sporty and good for outdoor/active events.  Too bad it comes with a $120.00 price tag! Eeek! I have been stalking Craigslist, but no luck.  The good thing is, if I do make the investment, it will last through several babies.  Cute huh??


     

The Middle Ground and Mommy Guilt

Becoming a parent for me was not just about, well, being a parent, it was about teaching myself a whole new skill set, a whole new approach to life. I have been introduced to a fantastic “natural birth community” here in the East Valley. This is a horse of a different color for me. It is not the type of parents/role models I grew up with or place I ever thought I’d land. I am SO glad that I did though. It has changed how I look at my entire life.


Let me first say, this disclaimer, this NOT a knock on my mother, my father or any person in my family or ANY of my friends in any way. At all. Period. These are merely facts that led me down the path that I am currently on. No hurt feelings intended.

When I started looking into the natural community I certainly was no activist, I knew nothing and in fact considered nothing in regards to birth and parenting. I thought like lots of people think. You get pregnant, you see a doctor, you register at Babies ‘R’ Us for a ton of stuff (crap), have the baby and go on home to stumble through raising your child, most the times along the lines of how you were raised yourself. ‘Nuff said, right? Wrong. I pretty much went the opposite way. And sometimes it is harder than I thought.

In the natural community, words like baby wearing, genital integrity, exclusive breast feeding, attachment parenting, cloth diapering, co sleeping and nursing in public are as common. These are concepts I’d never heard of before. They are as common place as cribs, monitors, Pampers, bottles and bouncy seats are in the more “mainstream” baby-having community. In my world, my mother is/was WAY more on the mainstream side in terms of “baby-having”. She had me at 21. There was not a lot of money back in those days. Her and my father struggled in a bad, early 80’s economy in MI, while being newly married and my mother trying to finish college. I did get cloth diapered for a period of time, not for the environments sake, for money’s sake. My mom HATES the idea of breast feeding. Just not for her. She doesn’t want anything on her body like that, it grosses her out. So I got evaporated milk and Karo syrup. (I know it sounds terrible now, but it was common place back then, I guess.) My siblings were formula fed. (and with the exception of ear issues, very healthy) My mom was 2 weeks late with all 3 of us. She had a natural childbirth with me (for lack of better option, not on purpose), and has nothing good to say about it. She was induced, 8 years later with my sister and again with my brother. She was Pitocin and epidurals all the way. We all slept through the night by 6 weeks old, since we got cereal in our bottles. We all had every single recommended vaccination. My brother was circumcised, of course.

I know my natural community friends are banging their heads on something just from reading this. But, I hesitate to say anything too bad about it. My mother made those choices because she thought they were best at the time. She made a lot of them based upon Dr.’s recommendations, how she was brought up, what was popular for the time, (all this was 27, 19, and 17 years ago). So if you are judging, don’t. I don’t believe she ever meant to make careless, reckless choices regarding her children’s health. That much I do know. She has always put that at the fore front, the best she knew how, the best she was shown herself. Most of our friends and family members had babies the exact same way. It was commonplace.

So that is my background, the world I come from, most of which still applies today’s current mainstream baby community. So, imagine my initial shock upon entering a more natural based setting. Now, mind you, I have always been “off the beaten path” a bit myself. A black sheep, so to speak. But, when it comes to having babies, it is easiest to revert back to what you know. Which is what I did…..at first. When I found my natural community, I felt at home and at peace. I “fit in” better than I had in any group in a long time. The priorities in my life were changing and it paralleled and fit perfectly into this awesome group of people I was introduced to. This is how I want to be, I thought to myself after settling into this new "group". I love, love, love the people that I have met. Love them. I seriously know the best group of mommies (and Daddies) ever. They are inspirational for me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the ideas and guidance given to me by those that parent from a different place. It is great to be around people that are so different, yet share a common thread. This place isn’t necessarily better than how I was raised, it just works better for our family. Suits our granola-ish ways in a more fulfilling manner .

But I still struggle. Doing the ever seductive striving for perfection dance, I still wrestle with not being all the way there. (where is there?....you may ask. You know, that all natural, cloth diapering, breast feeding, baby wearing, activist, always kind, involved parent place) I strive to get there. And yes, the better part of me knows that this magical place called “there” may be a mystery place conjured up solely for the purposes of fostering mommy guilt and self doubt. But hey, we all have that little voice I think. Teaching this old dog (meaning me) new tricks, really is hard. It has taken a personality overhaul. One that was necessary, wanted and appreciated, but the inner battle still rages on.

This whole concept of parenting has changed my life really. It is called attachment style parenting, I guess, if I have to group it. (which I hate to do, I see everyone as individuals for the most part)  I wouldn’t say that I am all the way there or into it. I have read plenty of stories about "attachment style" mothers that haven’t left their children to have a date night with their husbands for years or taken an afternoon for themselves. And I get it, that that works for them, and I can totally see why. For me, I need more balance. I like going to happy hour with my husband occasionally, I enjoyed our over night trip to San Diego when he was 4.5 mo old and we left him for one night with my mother in law. I liked it at 9 weeks old, my husband was able to give our son a bottle of expressed breast milk so I could sleep more every once in awhile (I had issues nursing) since I was in my office by 8 AM every morning. At 5 months old, he took to a binky and it has saved us since. I used a guard while nursing and it got me through many a rough night. I couldn’t figure out my Moby wrap and felt like the biggest idiot ever. And the biggest one……. I weaned my son at almost 8 mo and put him on formula. Not because I hated nursing, I miss it a lot, in fact. I hated being tied to a pump. Pumping 3X a day meant less work time and an overall increase in time spent (away from my baby) at the office to make up the work. So, I stopped. And avoided my natural community for a solid month or so out of embarrassment. (which was totally stupid, of all people these mommies would understand) My Facebook page flooded when the Similac recall happened (none of this directed specifically at me at all, just general information when it happened) with article upon article discussing how disgusting, bug infested formula is and how second rate it is  to breast milk.  The perfection seeking mother I am felt like a second rate mom. I don’t want to give my son formula, but nursing became a chore not a joy. Hooking myself up to a machine, stressing about how many ounces I was getting, while dealing with everything else I dealt with this year (see previous post), so I made a choice. It was a hard one. It is hard to make these choices not only as a parent, but a parent in uncharted territory. Most of the above paragraph doesn’t enter in to a truly attachment style parent. Nobody else in my family struggles with such issues and sometimes I am jealous of that. Sometimes succumbing to Johnson & Johnson, Gerber and Huggies is….gulp…. easier. Sigh…..even though I hate the idea of being that mom too.

I have started to read blogs and articles since I have had Porter in an effort to find my way through this foreign concept of parenting.   I love 90% of attachment style parenting. We tend to parent in that in between area. Mostly natural. We don’t vaccinate, we did circumcise. We co-slept for 6 mo (and loved it), now he is in his crib. I make all his food, I love to wear him when he lets me. I am a huge birth advocate and try not to get on my soap box about that. (but I probably do anyways, sorry) I am passionate about midwifery, natural remedies and natural births. I feel proud when I read my natural mommy friends’ Facebook posts taking a stand for reproductive rights, breastfeeding education, healthy living and naturalism. I envy them, though I know I shouldn’t. I envy their knowledge, conviction and tenacity. Man, the middle ground is tough sometimes.

Now in my world, I have, on occasion given Porter Tylenol, let him cry for 5 minutes at night, fed him Gerber brand oatmeal and used the dye free baby Johnson and Johnson’s I got at my baby shower. Herein lies the rub. I feel guilty admitting that much of this is out of convenience. I have worked so hard to break lots of cycles in my short time as a parent, but I am not all the way there. I read a blog post today about checking your anger and realizing that your children will react the way you do in their own situations. This self awareness is not a piece I grew up with. I have written about being the change you want to see. I have written about being more kind. And it is VERY important and I meant every word. I not only have to learn how to be a good parent, I sort of have to learn how to be a better version of myself, the person who was in there all along. You see, this suits me, I just have to trust it, practice it, live it. I have to retrain many of my thoughts and habits. Easier said than done.

I am so grateful that I found this perspective and even more grateful I know a community of people I can dialogue about it with, but there is still a guilt piece there. I don’t want to be judged or looked down on and that fear is paralyzing sometimes. It is hard to even admit it exists. And the worst part is, it is all in my head. I know that the people I have met, my Blogger friends, many members of my family, my husband are all there to encourage me and watch me grow as a mother. I know that. It is my own inner dialogue. A place of doubt you go when you are in unfamiliar surroundings, but thankfully mine get more and more familiar every day.

So I am letting myself off the hook. I am going to just do my best and take what works for us and leave the rest. I am going to put my insecurities to bed (or try to) and know that I am in fact, a good mom, and I am still learning. This is why I started this blog; as a documentation of the growing pains of being a parent. I want Porter to know that I think of him every second of every day. That I never made any choices lightly, that I am human and fallible. That I still have insecurities and flaws and want to be loved in spite of them, the same way I will love my son in spite of his. I am glad that parenthood has given me a giant mirror that reflects back the opportunity to be and create whatever I want for myself and my family. It is freeing and I feel liberated. Long time coming I'd say. I am excited for what the future holds. So thank you to new and old friends, to ever present, supportive family, my caring husband and angelic son. I am not the girl I once was, I am just me now. And that is plenty, I think.

Getting Close to Walking......

So I got this walk behind toy for Porter and he LOVES it.  It plays music and he can sit in the front of it and play with all the lights, colors and music.  After having it two weeks, he now knows to stand behind it and can walk using it across the entire room.  I couldn't get many "action" shots, but I got these while he was figuring it all out! Won't be long now......

Mr. Mom

Yesterday was quite a day in the Smith Family household! Our regular babysitter’s daughter was sick and had a slight fever, so at the last minute we had to scurry to figure out what we were going to do with P-man for the day. I wasn’t feeling well on Monday and had been out of the office, so it wasn’t a good day for me to be off.

Sooooo Neil to the rescue! He packed up his laptop, came by my work to grab Porter and away they went. Neil decided to work from home, problem solved. Ok, ok, so I will be honest…… I learned yesterday that I have an “inflated” view of myself as a mama. (who me?) I think I am super mom (not really, but for arguments sake…) I automatically assume that the house will be a mess, I’d get a TON of “how do I do this? How do I do that?” phone calls and I would come home to a stressed out, irritated husband. Not that Neil doesn’t spend time or do just as much as I do, he totally does. But ALL day, alone, while trying to work, now that is different. Plus, my inflated mama ego thought that some things just needed a “mother’s touch”. And I would understand if he were frazzled…. Heck I have had those days! Sounds about right for him to feel that way…. Right? WRONG!

Neil took him home, played with him, kept up with work emails, fed him his bottles, Porter took not one but two 1-2 hr naps. Neil even survived a huge, epic, diaper blowout after Porter had his lunch. He wasn’t even frazzled. He had me laughing so hard describing the situation. What?! Later, when my phone rang at work, I thought “uh-oh… here we go…” and instead I got a cheery husband on the other end of the phone. “What are you doing?” I ask. “Oh, me and the boy are out running errands? Do you need anything?”… Porter happily chirping “da da da” in the back. Ummmm what?! That’s why you called?! I can barely get groceries done and gas in the car the days I stay home. And the days I do “run errands” I usually get the stage 4 meltdown in the middle of Target. Especially if I am working too! But Neil went to the bank, post office, and grocery store. He made it home for Porter’s afternoon bottle and nap. Oh, and did I mention he did all this after doing the dishes and putting 2 roasts in the crock pot for dinner? (which were delicious by the way) To top that off, he and Porter headed to the gym in the late afternoon so Neil could get his workout in and Porter could play with the kids at the gym for an hour.

So, let’s re-cap. My "Mr. Mom",  for a day was able to shower AND get dressed in non sweat like clothes, work, do dishes, put pot roasts in for dinner, play/engage Porter, keep him fed/happy/clean, got him to nap good and got a work out in. Hmmmmm, something is wrong with this picture! Where was my frazzled hubby? He was working out, hanging out and appreciating time with his boy. How awesome!

I feel really lucky to have the husband I have. He is an AMAZING father. He sings to him, plays, and tells him about football. He bathes him almost every night to give me a break and talks constantly about how beautiful he is and how he is his pride and joy. Neil wants more babies.... yesterday. And lots of them. He calls it blissful insanity. Isn’t that great?! I am really blessed with him. He can’t wait to coach little league, help with math homework and go to football games. He tells me all the time that he pretty much has everything he could ever want and this is his dream life. (crazy huh?) He was super involved in pregnancy (my birth-y friends can attest to this one :) too. In fact, he took the book A Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth on the plane with him during a business trip, simply because he felt it had better information!! Ha, ha too funny! In all seriousness though, I couldn't have gotten through pregnancy and new motherhood without him.

In this day in age of absent fathers or fathers who cannot connect with their children, Porter is really a lucky boy. His dad will always be there for him and is constantly trying to be a better example and leader. I don’t think Neil will be able to be “Mr. Mom” full time unless we win the lotto or buy more houses, but he really did a great job yesterday. I appreciate him stepping up when our family needed him. I find new things to love about him every day. He really is a great father and husband. Turns out, “Mr. Mom’s” father’s touch is what saved the day!

Be The Change You Want To See.....

I have thought about writing this post for a few days now. It has taken me that long to simmer and think about what I want to say. I have read several articles and blog posts, and now that I am a parent, it becomes much more relevant, but I thought far enough off in time that I wouldn’t think about it.

Bullying.

Sigh. Big sigh. I didn’t expect the subject matter to get under my skin so much. But it did. For me, bullying was not very much of an issue in my life. I have, however, always had self esteem issues, bullying… not so much. In middle school, there was a scary, super tall girl at least two grades ahead of me that kinda terrorized me, but that didn’t last long. I had to think about it to even remember it. I wasn’t exempt from being embarrassed or picked on, but it all existed within the realm of normal growing pains. Example: I was a 34D by the time I was in 7th grade, while this may seem enviable, I can assure you at 13 yrs old, I was embarrassed and resented my breasts for calling that kind of harassing attention. But again, nothing major. I never really realized till now how fortunate I was in that regard. I wasn’t really bullied, but I was NEVER a bully either. I am sure many people will roll their eyes when they read this part, but I guess I was kind of on the “top” (not that I believe that this is a real place to be mind you) of the social food chain, per se. I was super outgoing and pretty popular, not the most popular, but those people were usually close friends of mine. I was a cheerleader, on homecoming court, student council, a straight A student. I drove a two year old car when I turned 16, I was a debutante, my parents were wealthy and my house had 6 bathrooms in it. Are you puking yet? It’s ok, I probably would too. Trust me, I am not that girl anymore, she has been gone for about 10 years now. Ok….. maybe not gone, but evolved, much more self aware and self made. I was probably snobby, yes, but never a bully. (again another thing that has been somewhat self corrected…. Hopefully :) I guess maybe I didn’t possess the “typical” characteristics of those that are bullied or more that I knew the “right” people. It was never a part of my awareness or social setting. I was lucky. Boy was I lucky.


In my adult life, I am much less bold and more on the outskirts. Life events have turned me into someone MUCH less confident. I struggled (and still do) with finding myself and figuring out what I want out of my life. I am often somewhere in the middle. Currently, that middle place deals with family/kids and is between mainstream and “crunchy.” I am not extreme on either one, probably a little more crunchy. I can appreciate a traditional and more progressive family structure, again I like the middle. Sometimes I wish I was more one way or another, more black and white. I exist in the shades of gray and I am working on appreciating that about myself.


It occurred to me that Neil and I serve our son on mostly basic physical and emotional needs. We comfort him when he is crying, which is usually due to being tired, hungry, wet or in pain (took a tumble, incoming teeth etc.) . We have not yet had to comfort him because someone didn’t want to be his friend or pushed him down. Now, there are few things I know for sure, but I know that Neil and I are good parents…. for now. Our world revolves around our boy. We do everything, would give anything to make sure that he is happy, healthy and safe. That is all we have had to do so far, and so far we have succeeded beyond our expectations. Our reward: a happy, healthy, active, jovial, affectionate ray of sunshine. Blessings abound.


This week, after watching news stories of children killing themselves and reading articles on the subject, I started to wonder….. what if my son is a bully? I don’t think parents of all bullies set out to raise their children to have self hate in their hearts, perhaps those parents hate themselves. I dunno, but I wonder. What if Porter is bullied? How will I create an environment that he knows he can come to Neil and I about anything and that we will always love him? Furthermore, how will I teach him to love himself, stand up for himself and have the courage to defend those weaker? How can I/we teach him to be a good man? Someone sensitive but not a sissy, confident but not arrogant, secure in his beliefs yet open minded. How will I do that? My new favorite blog, Single Dad Laughing ( I HIGHLY recommend this for anyone, top picks, You Just Broke your Kid, Congratulations and Memoirs of a Bullied Kid, read them you won’t regret it) talks about his experiences as a parent and his childhood, which was riddled with pretty severe bullying. Neil and I have discussed these at length and it is becoming more apparent that children become what you do not what you say. Both of us being stubborn hot heads…… have some work to do. Gulp. Yes that’s right, we need to be actual grown ups. Gulp again.


I think the best approach that I can take, as a parent (and wife), is to become a kinder, more self-actualized, forgiving person myself. Forgiving of myself as well as forgiving of others. I need to be more real, my children (God willing) do not need perfection from me, they need guidance. I will fail, inevitably, but it is how I pick back up that is important. Tiny eyes are watching. I never thought about the awesomeness of that particular responsibility. I am (as is Neil) on the permanent watch of the little people we have in our house. We will teach them, not just with our words, but more so in our actions. I feel it is my duty to the world to do everything in my power to make sure I turn out good hearted, contributing children.


I thought for days about how I can do this, what parent books I could read, or talk to the mothers I admire (Stephanie, Rose, Tatiana, my Grandma, Aunt Kristen, Step mom, Mother in Law…. to name a few). Then it dawned on me. They would only tell me what worked for them. And just as I am not a carbon copy of them, my family isn’t either. I would get advice, not answers. So, the largest part is on me and of course my husband. I must be a kinder hearted person. I must be more sensitive, confident not arrogant, secure but open minded. I’ll have to love myself more so that I have more to give. If I want my kids to make the world a better place, I need to have the same expectation of myself. What can I do to show them? To teach them not tell them. While this may seem like a fairly easy concept to grasp, I never thought about it with as much seriousness as I do now. Children are dying, taking their own lives and crying alone in terror. Will one of them be mine? I sure as hell hope not. I’m sure many of these have parents of these children that have died loved them, would do anything for them…. How will I make sure that I am different? I’m not sure that I can 100%. And that terrifies me. But it is my mission to try my heart out.


I have read the following paragraphs about ten times. From Single Dad Laughing, “You Just Broke Your Child. Congratulations” I have gone back over and over it the last few days and read them. This resonates with me. I replace the word “dads” with “parents”.


(from Single Dad Laughing...)


Dads. It's time to show our sons how to properly treat a woman. It's time to show our daughters how a girl should expect be treated. It's time to show forgiveness and compassion. It's time to show our children empathy. It's time to break social norms and teach a healthier way of life! It's time to teach good gender roles and to ditch the unnecessary ones. Does it really matter if your son likes the color pink? Is it going to hurt anybody? Do you not see the damage it inflicts to tell a boy that there is something wrong with him because he likes a certain color? Do we not see the damage we do in labeling our girls "tom boys" or our boys "feminine" just because they have their own likes and opinions on things? Things that really don't matter?


Dads. Speak softly to your sons. Speak calmly to your daughters. Who do you want your child to be? Do you want him to be the kid at school that sits by himself with absolutely no friends or self esteem? Or do you want him to be the kid running for class office and feeling like he deserves to win it? Do we not see that we have the power to give that to our children? Do we not see that we have the power to teach our children the tools of societal survival?


Dads. Do we not see the influence we have when we say we believe in one thing, but our children see us living something else? Do we not realize how little we encourage our children to actually decide what they believe, declare what they believe, and then live by it? Whether it's religion, politics, sports, or societal norms. It is not our place to tell our kids what to think. It is our place to teach our kids to think correctly. If we do this, we need have no fear of what they will decide for themselves and how strongly they'll stand behind it. A man will follow his own convictions to his death, but he'll only follow another man's convictions until he steps in manure.


This is how I want to parent. I want to teach so that my children are led by their hearts and their own convictions. I am going to serve as a humble leader/example while they are in my house, but eventually, they will fly away. I NEED to know that I have done the things listed in these paragraphs. It will be the crowing achievement of my life. If I can manage this, my children will not be part of the bullied or bullies themselves. Furthermore, they will be brave and have courage to stand up for what is right not what is popular. Who knows….. by standing up once for someone being picked on, my children could potentially be saving a child by sharing the light of their kindness. Giving someone else worth and validation that they do exist and that they do matter. That is all anyone wants, really. It is becoming increasingly apparent that this behavior is so desperately needed, children are dying, bringing guns to school and killing themselves. This is important. The answer lies in us.


Even in adulthood, I am continuing to learn you need to give to get and in the end only kindness matters. People will forget what you say but not how you made them feel. What prompted me to write this was the SDL, post “Memoirs of a Bullied Kid.” I read this section and immediately teared up at the raw truth and realized my responsibility to my son’s mental/emotional health.


I am going on thirty-one years old. I have spent the second half of my life studying self-esteem, self-love, and self-mastery. In the last several years, I have been blessed with the perspective to look back at those "horrible" years, and realize that the bullying I was receiving was simply the symptom of the bullying that the bullies were receiving in their own lives, whether it was their family, other bullies, or the "Perfection" going on around them. You see, I've learned one universal truth. People who love themselves, don't hurt other people. The more we hate ourselves, the more we want others to suffer. Every bully that bullied me (and by the end of junior high there were at least a dozen of them) was a desperate and hurting individual. The victim of something going on around them. A soul that was probably crying in solitude as often as I was, even if the crying was silent.


And so, I will ask you now to not hate the bullies. Experience tells me that hating them, or being angry with them, will always make it worse. Instead, put your arm around them. Love them. Tell them that they are valuable. Tell them that you expect great things from them. They will stop the bullying. They will stop, because they will start to love themselves. And people who love themselves don't bully others.


And with the bullies, it's really that simple. If they actually believe that somebody loves them and believes in them, they will love themselves, they will become better people, and many will even become saviors to the bullied.


If you are a parent to a child who is less than kind to other kids, I'd very much suggest you read my post from last week, You just broke your child. Congratulations. In fact, every parent should read it. As much as we may not want to mentally go there, a lot of the problem may lie in us. If the problem doesn't, the solution does. We all must understand that we have the obligation, as parents, to help our kids love themselves.


Now, let's talk about the bullied. If you haven't noticed, it's not generally the bullies that are killing themselves, slaughtering their schoolmates, or building bombs in their bedrooms. It's the bullied that are doing that. And my heart literally is pounding through my chest right now because I know just how easy it would have been to prevent most of these incidents. I also know all too well, the consuming thoughts that constantly go through the minds of the bullied.


Please.


So many kids would still be alive right now, if somebody, anybody, would have done something. So many beautiful, incredible, wonderful souls would still be walking among us if somebody, anybody, would have done something.


And what is that something that you and I must do?


Part of the answer is a mother putting her arm around her daughter over and over again, until she is not able to keep from telling the truth about why she is sad, quiet, or angry.


Part of the answer is a father starting a fun project or taking his son fishing for some one on one time. Enough hours under the hood of a car or on the bank of a river will always bring out desperate truths.


Part of the answer is a grandfather taking his grandchild out for ice cream and simply asking how the other kids treat her at school. For some reason, good grandparents can usually cut straight to the point.


Part of the answer is a teacher doing more than simply telling the bullies to stop. The answer is a warm hand on her pupil's shoulder, a listening ear, warm words of importance, and then finding a reason for the child to come back the next day, and the next, until that child knows that his presence is cherished.


Part of the answer is a youth director dedicating an entire night to the topic of bullying, and what each child can do when they are the ones being bullied, what to do if they see people being bullied, or what they can change if they realize that they themselves are guilty of bullying others.


And while each of those small parts of the answer are crucial, there is one big part to the answer.


Peers. Classmates. Fellow pupils. Did you know that you each have more power over healing the bullied and the bullies than anyone on earth. More than their parents. More than their religious leaders. More than their teachers. The majority of the answer lies in you, and it's simple.


The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the kid who just got bullied and telling her, "don't listen to those guys. My friends and I are always talking about how awesome you are."


The answer is as simple as you having the courage to then invite her to sit with you at lunch. And it will take courage.


The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the bully, and in private telling him that you don't understand why he's doing that, because you always thought he was a bigger person than that.


The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the bully, and in private ask her if she's had a rough day. Care about her. Tell her you were wondering because of the way she was treating your classmate, and you feel she may be misunderstood. You will be amazed what you will learn.


The answer is as simple as you having the courage to find the boy who just got shoved or tripped and asking him if there is anything you can do to help him. You see, just knowing that you care will plant seeds for his own courage to blossom.


The answer is as simple as you.


The answer is as simple as you having the courage.


Do you have courage like that? I hope so. I don't want to see any more kids die……


This concept has had a profound impact on me and the way I intend to parent. Thank goodness I can work on myself for a bit before Porter reaches an age when we may have to deal with such things. “…I have leaned one universal truth. People that love themselves don’t hurt other people.” This struck me to the core. This is my truth and my lesson. To love more and hurt less. To be more kind and to have more courage. God has blessed me with an angel in baby boy form and I owe it to him. I owe him my best and I have to try and try hard. I will need to take personal accountability for many things I have not wanted to. I will need to heal. But this is my blessing. My family has humbled me into these discoveries and makes me love them even more. It is out of love for them that I am pushed beyond my previous notions of what a parent “should” be. So I’ll put the challenge out to everyone who may be gracious enough to read this far. Be kinder than necessary. Be intentional. Say nice things. Hug a child. Forgive yourself. Try harder. Make someone else’s day better, everyday. Maybe we all have some healing to do.


“Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves. “


-James M. Barrie

Time Flys!

Porter is 8 months old today. Sigh. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy and a super proud mama, but I am having trouble as he gets older..... letting go.  Let me back up.  I am NOT an overly sentimental type.  I didn't keep everything he ever touched, I stopped writing on his baby calendar every day months ago, I'm not a crier (ok maybe a little now :).  So, these feelings are a bit of a shock to me.  I didn't realize how much I cherished having a little, little baby around.   Again, don't get me wrong, I adore the burgeoning personality and consider it an honor to watch him learn and grow.  I know, I know..... I can't have it both ways.  So you see my juxtaposition.  So, in light of all this, I decided to steal an idea from my friend (and fellow blogger) Sarah.  She is about 6 mo pregnant and she does a weekly pregnancy update, of the same highlights each week, so you can see the change throughout her pregnancy.  It/she is too adorable, so I am stealing (and modifying :) the idea and doing Porter's Monthly Highlights.  It will help me keep everyone informed and be happy and have gratitude for my healthy growing boy! (but seriously does he have to grow up so fast??!)

Porter's Monthly Update: 8 Months

Date: October 6, 2010

Weight: 21 lbs. 10 oz

Teeth: 4. Two front teeth, Two on the bottom

Movement: Um. Everywhere. Crawling at lightning speed, sometimes with one leg up.  We call it his "pimp" crawl. He is pulling himselff up on everything, climb the stairs and hangs on one handed.  No standing without assistance or walking yet.

Sleep: much better this month than last month. He is in bed by 7:00-7:30 every night. He puts himself to sleep now too. I sometimes have to fight to keep him up that late. He still wakes up at night, but he sometimes soothes himself back to sleep before I can even get out of bed. During high teething and growth times, we feed and cuddle him in the middle of the night still. He is up by 5:45-6:00 EVERY morning without fail.

Porter Loves.... : his binky, his Sophie giraffe, Daddy (BIG time), yo baby's, cords, being naked, plums and crinkly paper.

I love my Sophie Giraffe



Sleeping with my Daddy.



Food: well, judging by his weight, we have a healthy eater on our hands!  Mostly fruits.  Plums, peaches and applesauce are his favorites. He also LOVES yo baby's (organic yogurt for babies) and gets all excited when he sees me get them out of the fridge.  I introduced chicken for the first time this month.  I have to mix it well, but he likes it ok.  He will also sit in his chair and munch on Gerber Puffs or Cherrios.

Mood: happy happy happy.  He is a very jovial baby.  He has been super fussy if we try to keep him up late or if his teethers are coming in.  Other than that, he is one happy baby.

Our Happy Highlight of the Month:

Neil says..... Porter learning to say da da da and sometimes daaaa deee. (though most things are da da da, he is getting it!)  I think Porter watching his first Gamecocks Football game was a close second.

Go Cocks!

Linsay says..... Porter engaging with the puppies.  He gets all excited to see them in the morning.  He climbs all over Bailey and lets Guinness lick him all over.  They love each other. A.lot.

What we miss.... :

Neil says...... having to rock him to sleep.  Neil had what we dubbed "magic Daddy hands".  Now he is too big, doesn't like to be held that way.

Linsay says...... him letting me snuggle him as long as I want.  He even has a sigh now, like "Ugh, Mom, this again... can you please put me down so I can get into something I'm not supposed to."  Where did my little baby go??!!

We are looking forward to... :

Neil says.... Porter walking!  (we shall see if we take that back once it starts)

Linsay says.... The holidays! Halloween and all the festivities.  He is gonna be Tigger, I think.

Porter's 8 Month Pic's

See my tooth?!

You can seeone tooth at least, other 3 are hiding!



So Big!



My "Wild Man" hair! Always sticks up no matter what!







Why a Midwife?? (Warning...long one!)

I get asked this question quite frequently. We got asked more when Porter was smaller, but people are always interested in hearing our birth story/experience since it was less than well.... mainstream! I tend to shy away from pushing my beliefs on people, especially about this stuff. But, Neil and I were discussing our plans to attend an annual picnic hosted by our midwife and a couple asked me about our experience today, so.... here we go!

Yes, I had Porter, all natural, at home, with a Licensed Midwife. Otherwise known as a planned home birth. People often say, "I could never do that," or "You are SO brave". Me (and Neil) are used to that one. To be honest, I NEVER thought that I could do it either. I had very typical pre-natal care. Went to a conventional OB/GYN, had TONS of tests run, was on track for the typical all American hospital birth. Heck, I even wanted an epidural and every pain management thing offered. I was a first time mom and scared of the feelings... scared of the unknown. So, like the over zealous, prepare for anything and everything, type A, ppl/parents we are, I signed us up for childbirth classes. Neil, bless his heart, was just as excited, if not more than I was. I wanted a more intimate, less clinical class then those offered by our hospital, so I opted for us to enroll in classes at Nurturing Hearts Birth Services, with Rose Day as the instructor. Little did I know that with that one choice our lives would change forever.

After several classes, I decided OK, maybe I could do natural childbirth, maybe. So at about 32 weeks pregnant I began discussing this with my OB/GYN. She responded with a slew of questions and comments from, "define no medical intervention" to "you know, there is no medal for doing it natural". Now, mind you, these are the last things you need to say to an already scared-ish first time mom. Soooo Rose gently suggested we just TALK to a Midwife. Just an interview. It is free and educational, can't hurt. So, I made us an appointment and also found us a copy of the DVD The Business of Being Born, (which I highly highly recommend for anyone, especially those having babies now. Great info.) After both those things, it was done. Armed with the information from our classes, two great interviews, the DVD and each other, Neil and I made the choice to switch, at 34 weeks to have our son at home.

First off, let me say our midwife is UH.MAZING. That is the only word big enough to describe her. In debating between conventional and home births, people often wonder about quality of care. It is frustrating to me, who knows better, but I understand not everyone has delved into the depths of maternity care like I have. I assure you, Stephanie is fully qualified. Midwives, despite popular beliefs don't come to a birth armed with incense and tambourines. She had oxygen, needles, pitocin and every other thing that you can imagine. She is prepared, to say the least. In fact, for healthy, low risk women, birthing at home is no less dangerous at home than in a hospital. Actually, many elements of hospitals hinder a woman's labor process. It has been calculated that the second most women step in the door of a hospital, her labor inevitably slows. Up until the 50's most babies were still born at home. Anyway, that is neither here nor there. If you want any more of these fun facts, ask me I have plenty.

From the start, Stephanie cared more about me as an individual instead of a statistic. We met in her beautiful, small, cozy office. Neil and I sat on a couch, not a paper covered table (why do I have to sit on a sterile, paper wrapped table to be weighed & have my tummy measured on the outside?) . She talked with us about what kinds of parents we would be, what our fears were, how she could help us have the birth WE wanted.  It was, after all, our child. Our appointments were an hour, not ten minutes. She used organic lotion on your belly that smooths in, instead of that cold goo at the doctors office. She taught Neil how to feel the position of the baby on the outside of my tummy. She listened to his heartbeat the old school way.

I'll never forget the appointment, near the end of my pregnancy, where she noticed a slight, and I mean slight difference in my blood pressure. She said that I had had perfect blood pressure this whole time and there was a small increase in the number associated with stress. "So, tell me. What are you stressed about?" she asked. "Nothing," I chirp back to her. Looking down, embarrassed, brave soldier. " I don't believe you," she pressed. This went on for three rounds before the tears came flowing. Nothing was wrong, not really. My baby was healthy, I had a fabulous husband, gorgeous home, plenty of everything. I was just sick of being pregnant, uncomfortable, scared, frazzled, and wanted my body back. She assured me that it was all normal, hugged me, worked through it, coached Neil on what he could do to help. I cannot tell you how good it felt, I mean, when is the last time you hugged your doctor?

 

On the early evening of February 5th, I thought I showed signs that labor would be starting that night.  I called our doula, and made a call to Stephanie.  She gave me very simple advice.  She reminded me that my babies birth story had now begun.  That this would be the day that he would be born, the day I would become a mother and life would never be the same. It was up to Neil and I to make that day what we wanted.  She told me to remember that as the minutes passed (this was VERY early in labor, no contractions, mind you).  How you spend those minutes suddenly became more significant.  So, I put on my favorite music, made my husband pot roast, cleaned the kitchen, took a bath.  My husband bought out a local grocery store of all their fresh flowers, including a gorgeous orchid. As my labor progressed, it was funky, contractions started on top of one another and stayed that way.  They were close but short for 19 hrs. Sigh. But again, that is why we chose a midwife.  Having a baby is a process, not just about the physical labor.  Think any doctor ever told me to construct our birth day into what ever I wanted so I could look back on the WHOLE experience, one that is transformational as a woman? Nope. Never.

laboring in the pool

Stephanie and her apprentice showed up at about 5 AM on February 6th.  Shockingly, there isn't much to do for a naturally laboring woman besides well, supporting her.  So I labored (and labored) like they did in the old days, in the company of women (and my husband) that had walked that path before. That is where Rose, our doula came in.  That was her job, to help me.  Every minute I had her support, I was in my own space, comfortable (well... you know what I mean) confident and safe. I don't think I possess the right words to accurately describe what a room full of women, who have been called to help bring babies into this world, really feels like. It is probably like the safest hug you ever had, contrary to mainstream thought.  Every well wish, positive vibe, good energy was present in my bedroom.  The baby's heart rate was monitored, I wasn't disturbed or hooked up to anything.  It was intense, but beautiful.  While I labored, Stephanie and Rose massaged my arms and back and Stephanie knitted baby caps outside in the hall.  That's what she does.  Knits caps for all "her" babies they day they are born. No generic pink and blue stripes. Homemade, heartfelt, perfect.  Every knit a prayer for the mama and baby in front of her.

 


Still gooey but super cute



Fast forward 17(ish) hours of labor and almost 2 hrs of pushing, when, at the foot of my bed, at 3:36, on February 6th, Stephanie, Rose and Kate coached me through the birth of my son.  Stephanie showed Neil how to "catch" him and yes, the first thing to touch my son was the ungloved hand of his father. It was amazing.  Best moment of my life. He was perfect. All 8 lb 5 oz of him. And like little elves, they went to work in the minutes after his birth.  Within an hour I had showered, got into a freshly made bed, ate a homemade sandwich and my bedroom looked like I hadn't just had a baby in it (besides the birth tub that was in the process of being collapsed).  Stephanie gave us a perfectly knitted little green cap and sang my son "Happy Birthday" while we all teared up.  Everyone left about 3 hours later, we were all exhausted, but doing overflowing with joy.  Our cup runneth over. Another healthy baby and mama.

8 lb 5 oz 21 inches long

 

I saw Stephanie early the next day, she had already called me 3 times the night before to check in (again, how many doctors do you know that make personal phone calls at 10:00 at night just because?).  I felt great, heck, I was downstairs making coffee.  She scolded me (gently)  for being out of bed and shooed me up the stairs.  She checked Baby Smith (he was nameless then, for 2 days actually) who was perfect.  She stayed for a couple hours just talking to us. Educating us, letting us make the best choices for our family without the judgement. She BATHED our baby for us.  In our bathroom, she gently scrubbed his head, cooing and cuddling him.  I'm pretty sure doctors don't do that.  We saw her again 3 days later, then a week later, then 3 weeks later then 6 weeks later.  Then Porter's file got put in the "healthy baby 6 week old" pile and her "work" was done.  In some ways.  By then, she was like family.  By then Neil and I had met her husband, been to a game night at her house, seen her children.  We had swapped recipes, played games and laughed together.  She saw (and continues to see) our family interact. She consistently sees us/Porter once or twice a month.  I could call her at midnight about anything (and I have tested this) and she would (and does) take it.  Off the clock, not for money....for me.  Families are her business and she is great at it. 

 

minutes old with his new hat



Porter's first bath



        

 So, for those people that are wondering about the quality of care and expertise that a midwife has, I think it is safe (no pun intended... really :) to say we hit the jackpot.  This is not to say that people that see doctors are get less than quality care, not at all.  There are fantastic doctors/nurse midwives/ nurses and hospitals. Don't misunderstand me. I am so glad that there are OB's out there, I am also so thankful that we were not in a situation that we needed one.  This is just why we chose a midwife, what was best for our family. 

 

two days old

So there it is, the biggest and best choice we made to date.  This is why midwife?.  I love Stephanie so much at I am forever grateful for her presence in our lives.  I am glad that there are people like her on this Earth.  It gives me hope.  I hope she is there for all of my babies births, that each one of my children get a cap made on the day of their birth and get sang "Happy Birthday" in their first hour Earth side.  Having a baby is not just about the labor but the experience, and without Stephanie, it wouldn't have been as sweet.  I am leaving out details how amazing our doula was too, maybe the next post. All these reasons are why we chose a midwife. I feel incredibly blessed to have had this kind of birth story.  I wish a personal version of this for every woman/family.  Stephanie (et.al) helped me, my husband and my son become a better unit, a better family.  I now have the confidence and power to make my own choices regarding my family, my body and my life.  And there is no better feeling than that.

12 hrs after
birth