Just a Mom

I have been so busy lately I haven't had a chance to post about our biggest change as of late...... I quit my job!  My last day at work was Valentines Day.  Originally I was going to work until later in the month, but this trip to South Carolina came up and we just decided it would be better to just go ahead and be done. Huzzah!!

I am SO excited and I feel very lucky to be able to stay home with my babies.  I know it isn't an easy job.  It is trying, exhausting and at times thankless.  But, to me SO worth it.  I get rewarded daily in getting to watch my babies grow and learn. 90% of the time, I LOVE it, which is more than I can say for the job I just left.

 My mother was a single mother during my early years and I know how awful it is to get dropped off every morning and just wish that my mom was among those that got to pick them up from school or go on an impromptu zoo trip.  That wasn't my reality.  And while I may not be worse for the wear, I promised myself (and my unborn kids) growing up, that if I could, I would stay home with them. Period.  I LOVE to be home more than anyplace (except for maybe Charleston) in the whole world.

After Porter was born, things were crazy.  Financially, we needed my income to pay off debt and get where we needed to be.  Fast forward 12 mo and I was once again pregnant.  Now staying home wasn't just a desire, it made good financial sense and gave us a deadline.  Two kids in daycare is VERY expensive and honestly, I didn't want someone else spending the bulk of the time with my kids. Life was just too stressfull with both of us working like crazy and trying to be the kind of parents/spouses we wanted. So we made a plan, stuck mostly to it, paid everything off, came out a little ahead and got a honeymoon out of it to boot. Great!

Truth time.  I never really liked my job.  I was grateful for it.  I feel like I made pretty good money.  I was, for all intents and purposes a "corporate accountant" but what does that really mean anyways?  At the end of the day, I didn't build anything, make anything or really make an impact on the world and I wouldn't say I was especially good at it.  Far less fullfilling than motherhood.  But, I'm not going to lie...... I have an itch.  As much as I want to stay home and that is and will remain my number one prioroty, I have an itch.  A desire, a need, a want to find something that I am passionate about to do for work at some point.

I get inspired by the blogs that I read from other SAHM/WAHM that seem to have found a balance.  They have blogs, crafts, websites and businesses that they not only love but make a few bucks too. All while being mom's first.  I am obsessed, that is just the balance I crave. As soon as the kids go to bed, I pull up my iPad to read them. To me that is like having passion (motherhood) on top of passion. Sign me up please.  I annoy the CRAP out of my husband with my pipe dreams and constant ideas.  And yet, I wonder what my passion is.... what my talent is...... maybe I don't really have one.  I dunno.  Nothing has hit me yet and to be honest, part of me feels guilty.  I mean, I get exactly what I want and now I want more??  The long and short...yup.  Those are the ABC's of me.  I may not know exactly where my niche is but I know that corporate accounting isn't the place for me, something I have to be away from my kids 45 hrs a week will not work no matter what the salary. But I read about people and know women that make hair bows, childrens clothes, write, blog, sew, freelance and design and I am in awe. Two words..... lucky ducks. I once read that you should pick something that you would do for free and develop that.  Pick something that you love to do and you will never work another day..... mkay...... well how the hell do you do that?! Enlighten me, I beg you.

I am lucky because I am surrounded by people that have found a way to answer that question for themselves.  That is the just of my birthing community.  It is a group of women who are moms first but who are talented midwives, doulas, childbirth educators, herbaists, teachers, lactation consultants, artists etc.  They sew, knit, garden, create, cook, inspire all while successfully rearing often many amazing children.  While I admire them and get inspired by them, those are not my callings. But I love the energy and commrodery. 

So that is my juxstapostion.  I groomed my whole life for college and a career.  There was a significant portion of my adult life I thought I would never have children.  And here I am madly, crazily and willingly head over heels in love with these little beings that call me mama.  It is the BEST job. I cannot imagine and I do not desire a different life.  But I am still me, I thrive being busy, I have a constant desire to grow and learn new things, I love being surrounded by inspiring people.  I still want something.  I still want to find my passion so that my kids can see that anything is possible.  I don't want to tell them how to live their lives, I want to live fully myself and let them watch me do it, knowing they were my number one priority. They can then cultivate their own passions.  I only want for them to be happy and do their best. I want the same for me.

So for now, I am gonna try and get comfortable in this new skin.  I will do my best to do well in my new job title. I know enough to know that I am right where I need to be and this is just the beginning.  I will try and be open to any opportunity that may come my way.  But I won't stop learning, growing or searching in the process. Who knows what can happen. For now, just a mom is all that I need to be. The rest will sort itself out.